IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

All children should be given a free laptop when they start high school. Do you agree or disagree?

#children #laptop #school
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Most children should be given their own laptops when they start to grow up.In
case
Correct determiner usage
this case
show examples
,they start to understand more and start to learn
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
not to play video games. When children start to grow up and they go ay highschool they have more responsibility for their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, I think when they are at
this
Linking Words
 age they can
do
Verb problem
make
show examples
 too many mistakes and
then
Linking Words
 they will be sorry about what they did.In my opinion,parents should be supervisors because they are only fifteen years old and every parent should have a daily routine
Additionally
Linking Words
,nowadays teen life is harder they go to high school they meet new
friends
Use synonyms
 and they start new friend groups.,
Furthermore
Linking Words
, at that ,age they have a lot of
friends
Use synonyms
 and they do not have only good
friends
Use synonyms
,teens start to go out with them
then
Linking Words
 they feel copy them because they look cooler with vapes in their hands,cigarette and alcohol.So,they feel the same with them.When they go home they don't have time to do their homework because they want to chat with their
friends
Use synonyms
 or lovers.
For example
Linking Words
,their grades would be increased a lot and they will fight with their parents.As a result, parents of course would let them have a laptop but have more control over them. In conclusion, I think that having a laptop or a mobile phone is not a bad thing but it's not a good thing to stay too much on social media or chat with your
friends
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,of ,course you can have free time but it's better to go out with your family.
Submitted by ona.muhametaj on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay does not fully address the prompt. The argument about giving children laptops when they start high school is not clearly presented. There are relevant points made, but the response does not fully engage with the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks clear structure and organization. The introduction and conclusion are weak, and the main points are not effectively developed. There is a lack of coherence in the presentation of ideas, leading to a disjointed and unclear essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: