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Band 4.5

All children should be given a free laptop when they start high school. Do you agree or disagree?

#children #laptop #school
Most children should be given their own laptops when they start to grow up.In
case
Correct determiner usage
this case
show examples
,they start to understand more and start to learn
with
Change preposition
apply
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it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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not to play video games. When children start to grow up and they go ay highschool they have more responsibility for their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
However
, I think when they are at
this
 age they can
do
Verb problem
make
show examples
 too many mistakes and
then
 they will be sorry about what they did.In my opinion,parents should be supervisors because they are only fifteen years old and every parent should have a daily routine
Additionally
,nowadays teen life is harder they go to high school they meet new
friends
 and they start new friend groups.,
Furthermore
, at that ,age they have a lot of
friends
 and they do not have only good
friends
,teens start to go out with them
then
 they feel copy them because they look cooler with vapes in their hands,cigarette and alcohol.So,they feel the same with them.When they go home they don't have time to do their homework because they want to chat with their
friends
 or lovers.
For example
,their grades would be increased a lot and they will fight with their parents.As a result, parents of course would let them have a laptop but have more control over them. In conclusion, I think that having a laptop or a mobile phone is not a bad thing but it's not a good thing to stay too much on social media or chat with your
friends
.
On the other hand
,of ,course you can have free time but it's better to go out with your family.
Submitted by ona.muhametaj on

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task response
The essay does not fully address the prompt. The argument about giving children laptops when they start high school is not clearly presented. There are relevant points made, but the response does not fully engage with the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks clear structure and organization. The introduction and conclusion are weak, and the main points are not effectively developed. There is a lack of coherence in the presentation of ideas, leading to a disjointed and unclear essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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