IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Today many children and teenagers are overweight and unhealthy. Give reasons to explain why many young people are obese and give some solutions to fix this problem.

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Nowadays, a lot of
children
Use synonyms
 and young people suffer from obesity. In
this
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 essay, we will discuss the causes of
this
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 problem, and
then
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 we will propose some solutions to avoid it. At the outset, when scientists investigate
this
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 condition, they consider some reasons that lead to it.
For example
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, eating a lot of Junk
food
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, sedentary lifestyle, and insufficient sleep.
Firstly
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, even though Junk
food
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 is delicious, which
enhances
Verb problem
encourages
show examples
 anybody to eat more of it, it does not contain the necessary nutrients for the human body.
Secondly
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,
children
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 and teenagers perform most of their activities,
while
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 they are sitting,
hence
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 their physical activities are a minority which worsens the problem.
Thirdly
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, when some scientists perform research on humankind who are obese, they find that if anybody does not sleep well, at least 6-8 hours daily,
this
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 will be harmful to his psychological status which is considered a crucial risk factor for increasing body weight.
Thus
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, some solutions can be suggested to solve
this
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 serious problem, as it might cause many heart diseases.
For instance
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, fathers should encourage their
children
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 to decrease eating Fast
food
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 to at least once weekly.
In addition
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 to that, they should monitor them, and if the teenagers follow their parent’s advice to minimize eating unhealthy
food
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, fathers should reward them.
Moreover
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, some programs should be designed to
enhance
Verb problem
encourage
show examples
 young people to practice various types of exercises,
such
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 as walking, jogging, and playing football, and if they continue doing different physical activities,
this
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 will make their body fit. On the other side, the health authority has a main role, so they should
make
Verb problem
hold
show examples
 different kinds of seminars to increase the awareness of society about the importance of practising sports and following a healthy lifestyle. In conclusion,
however
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, obesity acts as a huge burden to numerous
children
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 and young people, now lots of them know its negative
consequence
Fix the agreement mistake
consequences
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of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
on their health and its reasons; so, they do their best to get rid of
this
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 issue.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction provides a clear overview of the points you will be discussing in the essay. Your conclusion should summarize your main points and provide a concluding statement.
task achievement
Make sure to fully address the prompt by discussing both the causes of obesity in children and teenagers as well as proposing solutions to the problem. Also, provide specific and relevant examples to support your points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Screen time
  • Balanced diet
  • Nutrients
  • Physical education
  • Parental influence
  • Aggressive marketing
  • Emotional stress
  • Coping mechanism
  • Caloric intake
  • Processed foods
  • Nutrient-dense
  • Health awareness
  • Fast food industry
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