IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

A lot of old people are suffering from loneliness these days. They are also lacking physical fitness. what are problems? how to solve this problem?

#people #loneliness #fitness
Mental
health
 has been a big issue in recent years. There is an increasing percentage of
people
 who are experiencing mental
health
 problems that sometimes lead to self-harm. I will tackle in
this
 essay the causes of the depression of
people
 and
also
 how to solve it. There are various causes for
people
 who suffer loneliness and less physical activity.
Firstly
, is the use of the internet. At any time, random
people
 could criticize you, insult you and judge you without really knowing who you are. On Facebook,
for instance
, anyone could comment on a photo you post. They could like the post and
also
 give feedback.
However
, there are
also
people
 who could bash you intentionally to degrade you and let you down. With
this
, you will feel depressed and not want to leave your house as you feel like everyone might think just as the bashers think of you.
Secondly
, is the lack of
support
. Up to
this
 day, mental
health
 is still a taboo topic. A person would rather keep to himself what he feels rather than be judged by others. Korea,
for example
, has the highest suicide rate among other countries.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that they do not have
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
show examples
support
 centres to help those
people
 in need.
Hence
, youngsters feel alone and harm themselves. There are solutions to
this
 problem. One of them is for the government to open more
support
 kiosks in every town. In
this
 way, lots of
people
 could be catered to and be advised on what things need to be done. Another solution is to advertise more about the significance of mental
health
.
This
 will eradicate the awkwardness when talking about the issues. To illustrate, if the government will keep on advertising on media or any social media platforms,
this
 will remove the stigma of
this
 problem. The more aware the citizens are, the more that they will embrace the reality.
To sum up
, there are different reasons why
people
 are getting depressed one of which is the lack of
support
 and
also
 the criticisms from other
people
. But,
this
 could be hindered if the government will do their part by providing more centres that could help the ones in need
as well as
 advertising it.
Submitted by eric.benedict520 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: