IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The world today is a safer place than it was a hundred years ago, and governments should stop spending large amounts of money on their armed forces. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#world #place #years #governments #amounts #money #forces
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Luckily society has learned from previous mistakes made and most
governments
 aim to avoid going into war. It doesn’t make sense
spending
Change the verb form
to spend
show examples
 a considerable part of a country’s gross domestic product on weapons.
Therefore
, I support the thesis that we should spend less
money
 on defence. There are some reasons why it is crucial for
governments
 to put a significant amount of
money
 aside for protecting their population. If another country,
for example
, attacks its neighbour state
they
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 should be prepared and able to fight back. It might even stop your enemies to approach an attack if they know that you would be prepared to oppose their potential war initiation.
Although
 we
unfortunately
Add the comma(s)
, unfortunately,
show examples
 require some means of protection, I don’t think that
governments
 should spend a lot of
money
 on the army and navy. On the other side, nowadays we have the resources to educate ourselves and understand that a war only brings out losers.
Therefore
, from an early age, we should teach kids about the consequences on society and the economy
previous
Correct word choice
that previous
show examples
 wars have brought to us.
This
 can be done by talking to people of the older generation who have
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
experienced tragedies or by educating students about the possible
affects
Replace the word
effects
show examples
 and aftermaths of using violence. In my opinion,
money
 spent on the defence force should be kept to a minimum and
instead
Add a comma
,instead
show examples
 put towards education. In conclusion, a huge part of a country’s expenses still goes towards
armed
Correct article usage
the armed
show examples
 forces.
This
 could be avoided and rather spent on teaching kids about a peaceful approach. I think that
governments
 should be able to protect their countries with people’s skills rather than a big defence budget.
Submitted by wenningersarah on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: