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Band 5.5

Some people think that children nowadays have too much freedom. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #children #freedom
Nowadays, children enjoy making their own
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
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. Kids enjoy the lavish lifestyle of less parental control activities.
This
 shall have both positive and negative effects on the healthy growth of a child's future. freedom is a greater pressure than all human beings could ever wish for. Having privilege towards passion, talents, and other leisure could benefit the future of the child
although
, it could hamper it in many other ways.
For instance
, Elon Musk who was a son of a wealthy family and enjoyed financial aid from his family fortune grew up to be the richest person on earth,
according to
 a recent survey. Both family members are equally responsible for the behaviour control of the younger ones.
In addition
, many athletes, artists and professionals grew up enjoying the acceptance of their family toward their person. it activates the child's ability to develop new skills and attributes
Rephrase
apply
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thus
,
leads
Wrong verb form
thus leading
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 to stable development in the future. But in some cases, parents argue giving too much flexibility in decision-making mechanisms is hampering the nature of children. Young ones who enjoy
this
 ability tend to develop bad habits. As we can understand
that
Correct word choice
apply
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drug users are the ones who
misused
Wrong verb form
misuse
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 the trust put upon them in destructive manners.
this
 information is backed by surveys conducted in many drug treatment centres. More cases like criminal activities are born by adequate, power.
This
 topic has been
discussion topic of
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discussed with
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 parents. Many argue
whereas
 many support the field of
right
Fix the agreement mistake
rights
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. As many studies were conducted on children, it concludes that it all depends on the relationship of trust built and support placed upon them. I would neither agree with the statement nor deny given many factors take place knowingly or unknowingly.
Submitted by praladpandey1144 on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be more focused and provide a clearer preview and summary of the essay.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion. The ideas are logically organized and supported with relevant examples. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more precise and focused.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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