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Band 4

Some people believe that money is the most important factor for achieving happiness. However, others believe that happiness has nothing to do with money. Agree or disagree?

#people #money #factor #happiness
Money
 is considered
as
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one of the most pivotal causes which
contributing
Wrong verb form
contribute
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 substantially to
happiness
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the happiness
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 of an individual. It is undeniable that
money
 plays a momentous role as it aids people to
last
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society,
however
, I just partially agree with
this
 viewpoint since there are still more crucial factors that create bliss. It cannot be denied that
money
 is irreplaceable to have basic necessities. It helps people to outlast since nothing is free and must be converted by
money
. Many affluent individuals have illustrated that they were content to have
money
 as physical belongings
such
 as branded stuff.
Nonetheless
,
money
 cannot purchase health and elements relevant to feelings because they always come from hearts that cannot be valued by
money
. As an illustration, numerous wealthy people are now trying to suffer from health issues,
such
 as cancer or HIV. In fact, several impoverished households are still joyful without
money
 as they have healthiness
as well as
 honest emotions among members. Opposed
to
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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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, a mass of children from moneyed families often
feels
Correct subject-verb agreement
feel
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 lonely since their parents are always occupied with occupations, attempting to gain as much
money
 as they can. In summing up,
although
money
 is indispensable since it satisfies the material demands of humans, feelings and health are more momentous.
Submitted by soy.jen.0806 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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