IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Task 2: More people put their personal information online (address, telephone number…) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#people #information #address #telephone #number… #activities #networks #purposes #development
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In
this
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 era of information technology, many people publish private credentials on their social media platforms for daily activities to socialize with their networks and for financial purposes.
Although
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 some may think it is an inevitable advancement, I believe the other way: it is a foreseeable negative development in our civilizations. Some of the reasons are the increasing rate of scams using personal data and the low rate of law enforcement regarding the latter.
To begin
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 with, I often read on the online news in Indonesia that many victims have been scammed by criminals offering some collateral-free credit.
First,
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the perpetrators will call a random person from the online database collected through social media.
Then
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 the targeted victim will believe
to
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in to
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 loan from them, not knowing the risks, terms and conditions.
Furthermore
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, if the borrowed money is not paid as soon as possible, their family and friends are going to be terrorized through unwanted calls and messages.
Although
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 the borrower never gives the suspect their network’s phone number, the scammer already knows them.
In addition
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 to that, after that casualty, police can do nothing. It is because they often put the victims as the negligent party.
Moreover
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, most of the callers are untraceable, using a foreign telephone number. Even though there is already a new rule about private data protection, its application remains a problem in reality. In conclusion, we must consider and filter some information that we are willing to put on the internet because there is a private data malfunction by some bad guys.
Submitted by angela.claudia1107 on

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task response
Align the essay content more closely with the task prompt. Provide a clear position on whether the trend is positive or negative and develop your arguments accordingly.
coherence and cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. Make sure to include a clear introduction that introduces the topic and your position, and a conclusion that summarizes your points and restates your position.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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