IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

People are responsible for their happiness. Others feel happiness depends on other factors in their life. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some
people
Use synonyms
 suggest that it is a personal responsibility to stay happy
while
Linking Words
 others argue that it
is depend
Change the verb form
depends
show examples
 on external factors. I would say that to become happy is our own choice
not
Add the comma(s)
, not
show examples
 others. On the one hand,
people
Use synonyms
 consider doing their favourite activities in order to maintain their emotions, especially when they feel anxious or
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
long
Add an article
a long
show examples
 cramped week. There are several activities
people
Use synonyms
 do in order to keep themselves
stay
Verb problem
apply
show examples
happy
such
Linking Words
 as singing, playing games, doing
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
, dancing or
eat
Wrong verb form
eating their
show examples
 favourite food. Take singing
for example
Linking Words
, it become
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
easier nowadays to do karaoke using
provided
Add an article
the provided
a provided
show examples
 platform on a mobile phone or computer
while
Linking Words
 choosing
song
Correct article usage
a song
show examples
 independently. It
also
Linking Words
 has a specific feature which is choosing partners from different countries to play
song
Fix the agreement mistake
songs
show examples
 together.
Thus
Linking Words
, when
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 are in bad
feeling
Fix the agreement mistake
feelings
show examples
 they simply can do
such
Linking Words
 a simple thing
like
Change preposition
as
show examples
 that to manage their feelings.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are some
people
Use synonyms
 who have a tendency to feel happy just because of what happens around them. They have a tendency
rely
Fix the infinitive
to rely
show examples
 on other
people
Use synonyms
 or even the weather.
For instance
Linking Words
, there is a study conducted on employees to measure their productivity during rainy days, and the results show that productivity is much lower than the sunny days.
Thus
Linking Words
, the weather really affects
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
emotion
Fix the agreement mistake
emotions
show examples
, particularly when the feelings of
people
Use synonyms
 depend on the weather.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 some external factors could affect
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
emotion
Fix the agreement mistake
emotions
show examples
, I believe that
people
Use synonyms
 themselves know exactly how to deal with their own self.
Therefore
Linking Words
, maintaining emotion to stay happy is a personal responsibility.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to provide a clear thesis statement in your introduction that states your overall position on the topic.
task achievement
Expand on your ideas and provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your essay.
grammatical range accuracy
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to improve the clarity of your writing.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Self-reliance
  • Positive psychology
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Well-being
  • Mindset
  • Personal choices
  • Environmental factors
  • Interpersonal relationships
  • Emotional resilience
  • Quality of life
  • Subjective well-being
  • External circumstances
What to do next:
Look at other essays: