IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Success is often measured by wealth and material belonging. Do you think wealth is the best measure of success? What makes a successful person?

#success #wealth #measure #person
The contemporary way of thought
distinct
Replace the word
distinguishes
show examples
 that
wealth
 and assets are the most prominent ways to measure the capability of a person to be successful, even though we can agree
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that, those elements provide only a visible and objective point of view of how someone can be successful.
Moreover
, it is possible to measure
success
 in different areas
such
 as happiness and the feeling of accomplishment which correspond to the subjective and emotional perspective. Primarily, the idea of considering
wealth
 as the first and most distinct proof of
success
 is the most common perspective from any individual
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 ultimately seeks
success
.
Hence
 people see their neighbours acquiring the newest iPhone or vehicle and they think “How rich and successful they are, I want to be like them”
Therefore
 they start working in order to bolster their current economic standing and purchase that equipment and technology in order to feel “wealthy”.
Nevertheless
, it occurs that people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 showcase those materials belongings and
wealth
 don't feel happy or successful and they prefer to search for a more spiritual achievement in order to feel whole.
Therefore
, what makes an individual successful is happiness and the feeling of accomplishment that he or she can achieve during his or her life. It is possible to observe professionals
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 lived in an old country house in their small town feeling whole as they accomplished everything that they needed. A cosy home and big family, those elements are not visible material belongings but emotional and sentimental value. In summation even though it is clear to recognise that the common idea of
success
 is shown with
wealth
 and material belongings
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
apart from that, it is
also
 valuable for some individuals that by reaching
success
 in other areas, usually aligned with accomplishment in their career, is an important avenue that will lead to
success
.
Submitted by kata1411 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: