IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

An increasing number of people are choosing to have cosmetic surgery in order to improve their appearance. Why are more people choosing to have operation to change the way they look? Do you think this a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Some sectors of society decide to go under the knife to enhance aesthetic appeal is becoming an order of the way with some individuals. The reason why
people
Use synonyms
 choose
this
Linking Words
 is to change their outlook. In my view,
this
Linking Words
 is a negative development because it leads to many consequences for our lives.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, others change their outlook to be noticed easily in public.
This
Linking Words
 is because when a child is born they can't choose the appearance they want, it depends on the gene of their parents so it is lucky if their parents are good-looking but some children are not lucky like that. Because of the outlook, many
people
Use synonyms
 have been bullied since they were kids and
this
Linking Words
 leads them to become self-deprecation that's why these kids find out
surgery
Use synonyms
 to satisfy themselves.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Korea, there are thousands of surgeries are done each year because of the word they call "beauty".
Moreover
Linking Words
, those going for modifications of the part of the body do so to make them more attractive to their admirers. There is a proverb: "
People
Use synonyms
 are never satisfied with what they have" and that's true because once
people
Use synonyms
 choose
surgery
Use synonyms
 they become obsessed with it and keep doing it out of control
although
Linking Words
 the clinic they went to is not professional.
For instance
Linking Words
, an idol in Korea named Park Bom who went for enhancement
surgery
Use synonyms
 became a stranger when she was a teenager because of the continuous surgeries. In conclusion, I know that everyone wants to become beautiful but beauty is not the most important. Those opting for
surgery
Use synonyms
 should consider the aftermath it might provide for them because , in the end, the damage is not palatable.

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coherence cohesion
Focus on a clear thesis statement in your introduction to guide the reader on your stance and main points for a stronger foundation.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the organization of your essay by making paragraphs more distinct, each geared towards a specific idea or example, which leads to better logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Incorporate more varied sentence structures and transition words to improve the readability and flow between your ideas.
task achievement
Ensure a balanced discussion on the topic by covering both sides evenly before stating your opinion. This will add depth to your analysis and showcase a complete response.
task achievement
Provide more detailed examples and personal reflections to deepen the support for your arguments. This makes your essay more persuasive and engaging.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing a clear and concise conclusion that summarizes your key points and restates your position on the topic. This reinforces your argument to the reader.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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