IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

playing a musical instrument is one of the most important achievements for any child. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Acquiring Knowledge of playing a musical instrument
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 as if each child attains a significant goal. I feel that the statement is not true
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 I will explain in my essay now.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in today's educational curriculum, there are many areas of knowledge which were established
according to
Linking Words
 the
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
 of humans
through
Change preposition
over
show examples
centuries
Correct article usage
the centuries
show examples
. A standard society needs scientists, economists and legislators and
also
Linking Words
 artists to perform
accordingly
Linking Words
. By focusing on achievement in one area, the others may be lacking,
for
Linking Words
example
Punctuation problem
example,
show examples
 in the recent pandemic, we have witnessed a dire in
psychological
Correct article usage
the psychological
show examples
 and economic aspects of people's lives around the world. It is important to ask
this
Linking Words
 question
,
Punctuation problem
:
show examples
what
Fix capitalization
What
show examples
 would happen
If
Fix capitalization
if
show examples
 scientists didn't discover vaccines and cures for
such
Linking Words
 turmoil
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
Furthermore
Linking Words
, not all students have the same ability and talent to achieve goals like
this
Linking Words
. There are many pupils who can perform significantly in other subjects like math and science
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
also
Linking Words
 other forms of art like painting.
praising
Fix capitalization
Praising
show examples
 those who can play a musical instrument would discourage others
to perform
Change preposition
from performing
show examples
 well in the areas in which they are interested. I do understand that many parents consider
this
Linking Words
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a means by which they can secure their children's mental health, which is good.
but
Fix capitalization
But
show examples
 I feel that in some
cases
Punctuation problem
cases,
show examples
 they may seek a higher social status for themselves as well. In conclusion, playing a musical instrument is interesting
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 I still believe that there are more important areas in which students should feel fulfilled and be encouraged .

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Give a clear answer to the prompt in the first paragraph.
development of ideas
Add one simple example to explain each idea.
coherence
Use clear linking words to show how ideas fit together.
accuracy
Fix mistakes in grammar and punctuation; keep capital letters after periods.
vocabulary
Use short and common words; avoid long phrases.
thesis
You take a clear view that the idea in the prompt is not fully true.
structure
The essay has an introduction and a conclusion.
idea development
You touch on big ideas like balance in study and the role of parents.
coherence
You use connect words such as Firstly, Furthermore, and In conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: