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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The pie chart below shows where energy is used in a typical Australian household, and the table shows the amount of electricity used according to the number of occupants.

The pie chart below shows where energy is used in a typical Australian household, and the table shows the amount of electricity used according to the number of occupants.
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The pie chart illustrates the distribution of
energy
Use synonyms
 usage in an Australian household, and the table presents the volume of
energy
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 used in each house per
year
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. The units are measured by kilowatt hours per
year
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.
Overall
Linking Words
, Heating and cooling accounted for the highest proportion of
energy
Use synonyms
consumption
Use synonyms
. Water heating was the second highest ratio of electricity used. All other household devices occupied almost a third of the
overall
Linking Words
consumption
Use synonyms
. in terms of the amount of
energy
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 used, the least value of
consumption
Use synonyms
 is 5,000
kWh
Use synonyms
 per
year
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while
Linking Words
 the maximum usage is 16,000
kWh
Use synonyms
 per
year
Use synonyms
. In terms of Heating and cooling, it is occupied nearly two-fifths of the total percentage. Water heating followed as the second highest ratio of electricity used with approximately one quarter. Other appliances reported under a fifth. Freezing and lighting both contributed approximately 15%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, Stand by Light and Cooking presented only roughly one in ten.
According to
Linking Words
 the amount of
energy
Use synonyms
 used, the load of electricity used is increased based on the number of people inside each house as when the number of people increases, the
overall
Linking Words
consumption
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 rosed. The minimum usage for one person is 5,000
kWh
Use synonyms
 per hour and the maximum amount is 16,000
kWh
Use synonyms
 for 6 persons or more.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words energy, year, consumption, kwh with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "presents" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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