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Band 4

Some countries allow old people to work to any age that they want. Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages?

#countries #people #work #age
Some nations allow elderly
people
 to
work
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 any
age
 that they desire. In my opinion, the merits of
allow
Wrong verb form
allowing
show examples
 senior
people
 to
work
 at any
age
 outweigh the demerits because older
people
 will contribute to
boosts
Wrong verb form
boosting
show examples
 the economy of
Add an article
the
show examples
country through
pay
Wrong verb form
paying
show examples
taxes
as well as
 their
experiences
. On the one hand, the primary drawback of
allowed
Wrong verb form
allowing
show examples
 aging
people
 to
work
 without
certain
Correct article usage
a certain
show examples
age
 for retirement
is increase
Change the verb form
is increasing
is increased
show examples
 unemployment among young
people
.
This
 is because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older
people
 often have priority in any
jobs
Change the noun form
job
show examples
 opportunity
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
companies
 often prefer
people
 with plenty of
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
. In
comparison
Add a comma
comparison,
show examples
 young
people
 often have less
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
 than elderly
people
.
Consequently
, the
youth adult
Add a hyphen
youth-adult
show examples
 can struggle with poverty, which means maybe they
trun
Correct your spelling
turn
 to crime to meet their
basics
Fix the agreement mistake
basic
show examples
 needs namely, food, electricity,
water
Correct word choice
and water
show examples
.
On the other hand
, I would like to argue that the benefits of
allow
Wrong verb form
allowing
show examples
 senior
people
 to
work
 without
age
 limitations can
significantly
Add a missing verb
be significantly
show examples
 more than downsides. The first advantage,
if
Add a missing verb
is if
show examples
 the senior
people
work
 to any
age
 the government can earn more
taxes
 through older
people
, which means the government will have more funds.
Therefore
, the governments could
used
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
 these funds to improve other sectors namely, education, healthcare,
roads
Correct word choice
and roads
show examples
. Senior
people
 can contribute to
enhance
Change the verb form
enhancing
show examples
 the economy of
country
Add an article
the country
a country
show examples
 is another advantage of
allow
Change the verb form
allowing
show examples
 them to
work
 at any
age
 they
willing
Add a missing verb
are willing
show examples
.
This
this
due to
 the fact that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
companies
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 Amazon, General Electric,
Iherb
Correct word choice
and Iherb
show examples
 run by older
people
, because older
people
 have plenty
Change preposition
of experiences
show examples
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
to deal
Change preposition
in dealing
show examples
 with professional challenges.
As a result
, older
people
 will contribute to their
companies
 to earn a lot of profits, which means the more
taxes
 the government will earn from
companies
.
To sum up
, In my perspective, the upsides of
allow
Wrong verb form
allowing
show examples
 old
people
 to
work
 at any
age
 they want
outperform
Add the particle
to outperform
show examples
 the downsides because the senior
people
 will contribute to
enhance
Change the verb form
enhancing
show examples
 the economy of
Add an article
the
show examples
country via
pay
Wrong verb form
paying
show examples
taxes
as well as
 their
experiences
.
Submitted by faiz3177 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay should follow a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and support for that idea.
task achievement
Make sure to fully address the prompt. Provide a clear opinion and support it with relevant examples and explanations.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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