IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

some people feel that entertainers (stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. do you agree or disagree? which other types of job should be highly paid?

#people #entertainers #stars #pop #musicians #sports #money #job
It's often argued between people that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
entertainers are paid too much money . I strongly agree with
this
 statement and believe there are other professions that deserve more wages than the latter
Firstly
 , the young
children
 who are the future generation of our country
loose
Correct your spelling
lose
show examples
 interest in education as they believe becoming a singer or a movie star would give them a life far better than any other profession.
For instance
 , a young adult would not want to put in any effort on becoming a doctor or a scientist because of the less pay they receive compared to a performer .
This
 would take a huge toll on the economy of the country .
Moreover
Add a comma
,Moreover
show examples
 the significant amount received by the artist will give false hope to young
children
 , who would leave everything in search of fame and money ,
however
 when one fails it would lead them directly to poverty because of lack of education.
Secondly
 , the government should take
initiative
Correct article usage
the initiative
show examples
 to increase the income of jobs that would benefit the entire society.
For
example
Add a comma
,example
show examples
 a doctor should be given more wages and other credibility ,
this
 would result in many
children
 showing interest in becoming a doctor and would help our society. Another job that does not receive enough appreciation would be a teacher as they are the backbone of our future generations. At the moment they are paid poorly which is leading many
children
 and young adults away from
this
 noble job . In conclusion , entertainment is important as it brings joy to
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
show examples
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people ,
however
Add a comma
,however
show examples
 it should not be considered higher than jobs that do well for our society.
Submitted by prakasharjun1998 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: