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Band 5.5

We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#world #communities #countries
Some people believe that we should only help people who are from our community. I disagree with
this
 point of view because I think that some societies have the possibility to be in solidarity with other areas.
Firstly
, I think that the vision could be a big problem in the future.
That is
 because a rich country can have a very good economic moment but on a specific day for a specific event a country could enter a bad moment and not have the possibility to survive and if they had not been in solidarity, they would have been in big issues.
For example
, Japan is a friendly country which supports areas which have issues,
and
Correct word choice
apply
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one day, Japan was the victim of a tsunami, and they had many problems but
due to
 that they were friendly in the past they received food, clothes, and money, among others.
Additionally
, helping other societies should be done because everybody is a human. That means that there is no reason
to do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not to support a person from a foreign zone because he or she has the same rights as anybody.
For instance
, nowadays there is a war which is fighting Russia against Ukraine, and many people from Ukraine are in a dramatic situation in my opinion any community could not support these refugees.
To sum up
, any community should help as we cannot know what will
pass
Verb problem
happen
show examples
 in the future and if we will need other areas.
Also
, everybody should receive another opportunity if he or she has any problem.
Submitted by santos_dij on

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task response
The essay demonstrates a partial understanding of the prompt, but the response lacks strong arguments and clear reasoning. More focus on addressing the specific points of the prompt is needed.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are lacking in clarity and do not effectively frame the essay. Use clearer and more concise language to introduce the topic and summarize the main points.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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