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Band 4.5

It is better for people to be unemployed than people to be employed but they do not enjoy. Do you agree or disagree?

#people
It has always been argued that living without any job is
better
Add an article
a better
the better
show examples
 thing as compared to
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 do
occupation
Correct article usage
an occupation
show examples
,
whereas
Correct word choice
but
show examples
 not gratified. I partially agree with
this
 given statement and
this
 essay shall shed light upon my perspective in subsequent paragraphs
along with
 a reasoned conclusion. Foremost, the fundamental cause behind my agreement is
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
financial stability. Nowadays, it is necessary to do
work
 for each and every person
either
Correct word choice
whether
show examples
 they are satisfied or dissatisfied
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their jobs as it
secure
Change the verb form
secures
show examples
 latter stage of life if they have any outcome in the
further
 related to money, they may easily curb.
For instance
, a survey conducted by Harward University revealed that people of India migrate to foreign countries they do occupation in every sector despite doing enjoyable jobs because they want to earn massive sums of capital. Paradoxically, the prominent reason behind my disagreement is that individuals might be away from mental stress. To elaborate, when personnel do
that
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
 types of jobs where they can not enjoy their
work
, they
would
Verb problem
apply
show examples
fall into stress,
therefore
 it is
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
not good for employees to do
work
 regularly without any break or entertainment with their colleagues.
For example
, an article published by The Tribune newspaper showed that approximately 65% of people are facing problems
such
 as depression, mental stress and many more because they are doing
work
 in that field that they could not enjoy.
To conclude
,
although
 a job is an important aspect of a person's life, it can not be pursued in the case of dissatisfaction.
Hence
 being jobless is better than being stressed at the workplace.
Submitted by deepikanayyar1996 on

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Task Response
The response addresses the task, but the points made are not fully developed, and the essay lacks depth of analysis.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas are present but are not always logically organized, coherently connected, or clearly linked. The essay would benefit from a clearer structure and improved coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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