IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In some countries, secondary schools aim to provide a general education with a range of subjects. In others, a narrow range of specific subjects is taught to focus students on their future careers. Which system is more suitable for today's world?

#countries #schools #aim #education #range #subjects #focus #students #future #careers #system #world
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In today’s world, national education systems offer widely different teaching programs and
subjects
, depending upon the particular country’s educational priorities. If a nation requires more specialists than generalists, it may encourage children to specialize at an early age.
Therefore
, in my opinion, whether a narrower or wider range of
subjects
 is taught at a particular age to a specific group of children relies upon the specific situation of each country.
It is clear that
 different countries have different educational priorities. If one country finds that it is short of scientists, it may expand the teaching of science at high schools in order to cope with the issue.
For example
, in some European countries, priority is given to the recruitment of math and science teachers rather than those of other
subjects
.
As a result
,
students
 may be encouraged to specialize in these areas
instead
 of other educational fields whose skills are not quite so urgently required.
On the other hand
, other nations may choose to postpone specializations by their
students
 until they reach
university
 level. If
students
 continue to study the full range of
subjects
 up until
university
 entrance,
this
 keeps their options open when applying for a
university
 major.
For instance
, a student who studies both arts and science
subjects
 will be able to choose from a wider range of
university
 courses when they graduate from high school .
Consequently
,
students
 will not feel the necessity to specialize at the age of 15 or 16 when they may not be ready to make
such
 a decision. Nowadays, it is vital that
students
 choose the right
subjects
 to study in order to make it easier for them to gain employment when they finish their education.
However
, in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 it is not necessary for them to do so during their school days
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when they have ample opportunity to start making career choices at
university
.
Submitted by 76805977 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, make sure to provide a clear position in your thesis statement and maintain a consistent stance throughout the essay. Also, offer more specific examples to illustrate your points more vividly.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, consider the logical flow between ideas and paragraphs. Signposting and linking words should be used effectively to guide the reader through the argument. While you've made a commendable effort in structuring your essay, adding examples that directly support your main points will strengthen the overall cohesion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: