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Band 7

More and more children are becoming obese. What are the causes of this and what are the effects?

#children #effects
It is an undeniable fact that today’s
children
 are becoming fat. The objective of
this
 essay is to outline both the causes of
children’s
 overweight and its effects. Eating habits are the most important and major cause of chubbiness. Today’s
children
 are into fast food and sweets.
For example
, lots of
children
 prefer hanging out in fast food restaurants and cafes to eating traditional foods and drinks. Technology is another factor that has contributed to
children’s
 fattiness. Despite the fact that new technologies will help us to have a healthier life by monitoring our diet and activities, I think that these new technologies made life too easier for us and prevent us especially
children
to be
Change preposition
from being
show examples
 more active which results in obesity. These eating habits not only have different effects on
children
's health but
also
 have drastic long-term influences. Some health problems including heart disease, diabetes and depression are some of the direct effects of obesity on
children
.
Moreover
, recent research showed that some of these sicknesses like diabetes are inherited by the next generation too.
Consequently
, these health problems increase the costs of living and decrease the chance of healthy living for the next generation. Being obese is too dangerous for
children
 because it prevents the grey cells of
children’s
 brains
to grow
Change preposition
from growing
show examples
 and makes them susceptible to some mental diseases.
to conclude
, unhealthy eating habits and new technologies are the most influential factors that have certainly contributed to
children’s
 obesity. These factors will contribute to some physical and mental diseases including heart diseases and diabetes that sometimes are inherited by the next generation and increase the costs of living.
Submitted by yavari1993 on

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task response
Ensure that the essay directly addresses all aspects of the task, with a clear position and supporting points. Use specific and relevant examples to elaborate on the causes and effects of children's obesity.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is well-maintained, and the introduction and conclusion are present. However, consider using transition words and phrases to enhance the coherence and flow of ideas.
lexical resource
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary related to the topic. However, aim to incorporate more academic and descriptive vocabulary to convey ideas effectively.
grammatical range
Overall, the essay showcases a fairly wide range of grammatical structures. To enhance grammatical range, consider incorporating complex sentence structures and varied verb forms.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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