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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Essay topics: As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree

In the present
days
Fix the agreement mistake
day
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, the majority of
people
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 are heavily consuming time on electronic materials
such
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 as computers and televisions, and spend less time on their physical activities.
This
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 tends to affect their health negatively. I agree with
this
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 statement
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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this
Linking Words
 essay will state the consequences of the negative trend. On one side of the argument, as technology has advanced
day
Use synonyms
 by
day
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, electronic
devices
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 are more intelligent and provide great convenience to
people
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.
For instance
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, the masses can able to purchase their needs and groceries online by using their electronic
devices
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such
Linking Words
 as mobile phones or computers, and just wait at home for their goods to be delivered to their destination effortlessly.
Consequently
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, their sedentary lifestyles lead to obesity and heart disease.
Moreover
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, nowadays,
people
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 can be seen browsing their mobile phones only on buses or trains without paying attention to the environment.
Thus
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,
lacking
Wrong verb form
the lack of
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social activities is increasing
day
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 by
day
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. Despite the above arguments, having electronic
devices
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are
Verb problem
is are
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 blessing to society. The locals
can
Verb problem
are
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 able to gain knowledge and information from all over the world from online social media or by watching television.
Consequently
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, everyone is aware of what is happening in the world.
For example
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, the masses are fed with the up-to-date news happening worldwide from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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social media
such
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 as Facebook
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 and Instagram.
In addition
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, students can able to find out information for their school assignment or thesis by browsing the internet via their computer.
This
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 is of paramount importance to support their knowledge effectively. In conclusion, having electronic
devices
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 around
people
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 is a bane and
boom
Use the right word
boon
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. Electronic gadgets are one of the main factors of causes of Obesity, heart disease and mental distress.
However
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, if
people
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 can utilise electronic
devices
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 with proper time management, it provides significant benefits to society.

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structure
Plan your essay with a clear plan: intro, two body parts, and a short conclusion.
grammar
Use short, simple sentences. Check grammar like verb forms and articles.
cohesion
Keep the idea of each paragraph clear. Start a paragraph with a topic sentence.
lexis
Use simple, direct words and give one or two clear examples to support each point.
task
You take a clear side and stay with it.
cohesion
You use linking words to show the order of ideas.
content
You give examples about online shopping and study use.
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