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Band 6

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantage of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #advantage #situation
It is true that the majority of citizens in some
countries
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 mostly young
adults
, compared with the
number
 of older
people
. It is my belief that the positive effects of
this
 trend could certainly offset the disadvantages. There are several drawbacks
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 having a relatively large
number
 of teenagers. One obvious disadvantage is that the competitive rate
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 these
countries
 is significantly high.
This
 is because of the huge
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
young population,
young
Capitalize word
Young
show examples
adults
 in these
countries
 have to face
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a lot of pressures
such
 as entrance
exam
Fix the agreement mistake
exams
show examples
,
find
Correct word choice
and find
show examples
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
work
while
 there are lots of
people
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their same age
are
Correct pronoun usage
who are
show examples
 better than them.
At
Change preposition
As
show examples
 a result, teenagers often have some mental health problems when they can have peer pressure everywhere and every day. One good illustration is the "gaokao" exam that every Chinese student has to face
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
at the end
 of high school to enter university is one of the toughest
exam
Fix the agreement mistake
exams
show examples
 in the world with high pressure.
However
, there are certain benefits that
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 population could
brings
Change the verb form
bring
show examples
 about.
To begin
 with, some
countries
 have more human resources when they have a lot of young
people
.
This
 is because young
adults
 can work
while
 the elders may not be able to work
due to
 their health. There will be more talented young
people
 in different fields
such
 as Arts, music, mathematics, biology and so on. It can help these
countries
 develop and rises GDP. Another positive effect is that there are more new ideas and innovations in these
countries
. The reason is
because
Replace the word
that
show examples
 most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
youngsters are creative and energetic at
this
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
also
 have their own aspirations.
For instance
, a lot of technological innovations were made by young
people
 during
Covid-19
Correct article usage
the Covid-19
show examples
 pandemic to fight against
this
 disease. In conclusion, the potential benefits of having a relatively large
number
 of young
adults
 are more worthwhile than the possible dangers.
Submitted by yeshomeclass on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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