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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#consequences #care #people #life #expectancy #development
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Medical
Care
Use synonyms
   Nowadays, medical
care
Use synonyms
 is the most important in
a
Remove the article
apply
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human life.
It's
Unnecessary verb
It
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 is necessary to take
care
Use synonyms
 of our health.
However
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,
on
Change preposition
in
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this
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 generation
the
Correct article usage
apply
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medical
care
Use synonyms
 has evolved significantly
such
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 as
,
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apply
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 machines and technology,
this
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 helps in the treatment of serious diseases,
for example
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, cancers, heart disease and other diseases it could infect humans.    
To begin
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 with, once we
care
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
about
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 our health it helps
increasing
Wrong verb form
increase
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 human life.
For instance
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, my grandfather want to stay alive more
as
Correct word choice
than
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 he could, to see his Grandsons
growing
Wrong verb form
grow
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 and teach them how to talk,
also
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 how to walk. In order, for
this
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 to be possible he created a table every 15 days he should have a
examine
Replace the word
examination
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on
Change preposition
of
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 his health by medical
care
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.     
Moreover
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, in the past
any
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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one infected with cancer disease they wouldn't do anything to be treated
instead
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 using
painkiller
Fix the agreement mistake
painkillers
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 only, but at the moment there's an effective treatment for
this
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 disease. In short, now we are living with technology and everything is not possible it can be possible.    
secondly
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, the countries with weak medical
care
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 diseases, perhaps there is a chance of overcoming a serious illness. mostly
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
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 of weak medical
care
Use synonyms
 is for people are
weak
Add an article
a weak
the weak
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 source of income.
In addition
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, sick people
with above
Change preposition
over
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 60 years
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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can't work to
obtaining
Wrong verb form
obtain
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 a source of
in come
Correct your spelling
income
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instead
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, the government should take
care
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 old people
are
Correct pronoun usage
who are
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 retired. But it might
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
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 the government of costs.   
Finally
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,
according to
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 the above reasons, my opinion is there are an apparently higher amount of advantages than disadvantages.
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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • elderly population
  • health care systems
  • pension funds
  • extended family relationships
  • quality of life
  • aging population
  • economic growth
  • volunteer work
  • expertise
  • financial planning
  • retirement
  • age-related diseases
  • medical research
  • healthier lifestyles
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