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Band 5.5

There are many people still living with their parents even when they turn 20s or 30s. Why is this happening? Is it better for young people to live with their parents?

#people #parents
Nowadays, many young
people
 choose to live in the same place with their
parents
 even if they have grown up.
This
 essay will discuss the reasons behind
this
 phenomenon and explain why I believe that it can have a negative impact on youngsters. Many
people
 stay at their
parents
' home in their adulthood because they have intense financial pressure. With the development of technology, the number of jobs which need employees to have technical skills or
educated
Replace the word
education
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 certifications is increasing, which makes
people
 without college diplomas harder to find a job and feed themselves with salaries.
Furthermore
, the price of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
property in many countries is continuously increasing, leading to the increasing cost
to find
Change preposition
of finding
show examples
 accommodations no matter whether
people
 want to rent or purchase an apartment. Under
this
 situation, it is reasonable for many grown-ups to choose to live with their
parents
.
For example
,
according to
 the Chinese government report, the property price and the number of adults who share the same living place with their
parents
 are highly related to each other every year.
However
, from my perspective, living
together with
parents
 is not a wise choice and
this
 can harm the growth of young
people
 in the long term.
That is
 because
parents
 will naturally take care of their children even though their kids have grown up, both financially and in their daily lives, and that can make those children lack the necessary abilities to live by themselves forever.
Therefore
, they will have insufficient knowledge about the basic methods to live independently,
such
 as cooking or fixing pipes, making them fear to live alone, which may cause problems after the death of their
parents
.
For instance
, a major threat to the young generation in Japan is the loss of simple living knowledge as most of them live with their
parents
 for an extended period of time, which has cost a huge amount of resources for the government to take care of them if their
parents
 pass away. In conclusion, many individuals share the same house with their
parents
 in their grown-up period in the contemporary era because they have
heavy
Add an article
a heavy
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 financial burden on their shoulders,
while
 in my opinion,
this
 choice can indeed harm their
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
 development by leading to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
insufficient ability for them to live alone in the future.
Submitted by mxinyao on

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coherence cohesion
Well done on providing a clear position in the introduction and explaining your reasons in the body paragraphs. Make sure to link your ideas more cohesively throughout the essay.
task achievement
You have addressed the task appropriately by discussing reasons for young people living with their parents and presenting your opinion. Try to strengthen the link between your examples and the main argument.
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion
coherence cohesion
Logical progression of ideas
task achievement
Relevant examples to support your reasons

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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