IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

11.Some people believe that arts (such as painting and music) do not improve people’s life therefore the government should not spend money on it. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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The 21st century has seen numerous technological advancements, the most significant being in health and defence. People argue that
art
Use synonyms
 funds should go to medical and the protection of the nation. In my opinion, arts improve mental health and the
government
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 keeps a portion of its funding. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, the importance of arts and why the
government
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 should keep funding will be discussed.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, it is evident from the past that
art
Use synonyms
 makes people mentally sound.
Art
Use synonyms
 like sculptures enhances creativity and gives a better understanding of the culture
whereas
Linking Words
music
Use synonyms
 alleviates stress.
For example
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, a study by Oxford University, London eludes that by listening to
music
Use synonyms
 stress levels go down by 50% in an individual.
Thus
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,
art
Use synonyms
 like statues and
music
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 improve people’s lives in the mental sense.
On the other hand
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, even if the
government
Use synonyms
 diluted
art
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 funds into health and defence, it
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 have no significant effect on them. The
government
Use synonyms
’s fund is largely composed of medical and arms for forces and craft is only a tiny bit of the budget.
For instance
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, In India’s budget, craft has only 0.1% of the budget which is insignificant for other sectors.
Hence
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, the
government
Use synonyms
 should keep the craft’s fund as it is now. In Summary, even though a portion of the population thinks that arts do not enhance the quality of life and that their funds should be invested in other sectors. I strongly believe that
music
Use synonyms
 and sculptures enrich life in many ways. If the craft is kept alive, future generations could have a glimpse of the current lifestyle and conditions which will help improve their understanding of their past and culture.

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coherence cohesion
Provide a more comprehensive introduction and conclusion. The introduction should introduce the topic and the writer's stance, and the conclusion should summarize the main points and restate the writer's opinion.
task achievement
Ensure each main point is fully supported with relevant examples and explanations to strengthen the arguments.
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