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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Doing an enjoyable activity with a child can develop better skills and more creativity than reading. To what extent do you agree? Use reasons and specific examples to explain your answer. IELTS Essay Sample Answer (1) nhi

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In the modernized era, improving personal skills is a debate topic. Some
people
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 agree that participating in an entertainment activity with a kid is crucial to developing useful skills and more creativity than reading. In my opinion, I partly agree with
this
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 view. These reasons will be discussed in the following paragraph.
To begin
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, exercise for children helps stimulate intelligence and memory
such
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 as through playing a decoding game or solving trivia quizzes. Approaching these exercises frequently can improve our critical thinking abilities. In real life,
people
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 even can solve problems that are not complicated.
Secondly
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, playing with kids requires
people
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 to become more patient in understanding their emotional needs to connect with them completely.
Therefore
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, interacting with kids can improve our patience in many life fields and our emotional intelligence simultaneously.
However
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, there are several reasons why reading can not be replaced by spending an enjoyable time with a child. Reading helps
people
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 expand the useful knowledge applied in real life.
For example
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, a survey conducted at FPT University revealed that 60% of students prioritise reading at home, believing it to be more beneficial than engaging in outdoor activities with others , especially with their siblings.
Furthermore
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, in today's technologically driven world, distractions are prevalent. Consistent reading can significantly enhance an individual's ability to focus during learning and working. In conclusion,I partly agree that joining in active play with children helps
people
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 in some fields,
however
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, maintaining reading regularly is still essential in developing valuable and transferable skills.
Therefore
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, let's study and obtain much knowledge to become an individual's benefit for society.

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task achievement
Include more specific examples and evidence to support your main points, particularly regarding how playing with children develops skills and creativity.
task achievement
Clarify some sentences to ensure your ideas are as clear and comprehensive as possible.
coherence cohesion
Try to make the paragraphs slightly more coherent by using more linking words or phrases to ensure a smooth flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
The main points are relevant to the task and are quite well-developed.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured, and ideas are generally well-organized.
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