Some people think that children should spend more time on schoolwork, while others believe they should spend more time on hobbies. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is often said that
children
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’s
time
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should be used wisely. Some people think that students should focus more on
schoolwork
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,
while
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others believe that
hobbies
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and leisure activities are equally important.
This
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essay will discuss both views and give my opinion. Those who believe
children
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should spend more
time
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on
schoolwork
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argue that it helps them get better grades. Good academic results are important for future success.
For example
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, students who study hard usually get into better universities. If
children
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spend more
time
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on homework and revision, they are likely to perform well in exams.
This
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can lead to more opportunities in their career later.
On the other hand
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, some people think
hobbies
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are very important for
children
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’s development.
Hobbies
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like sports, music, or drawing help
children
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learn new skills and relax.
For example
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, a child who plays football can learn teamwork and discipline. If
children
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spend all their
time
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on
schoolwork
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, they might feel stressed and lose interest in learning.
Therefore
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,
hobbies
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are necessary for a balanced life. In my opinion, both
schoolwork
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and
hobbies
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are important.
Children
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should study enough to achieve good results, but they should
also
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have
time
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for
hobbies
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to relax and develop other skills.
For example
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, a student can spend two hours on homework and one hour on a hobby every day.
This
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balance can help
children
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succeed academically and enjoy their childhood.
To conclude
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,
while
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focusing on
schoolwork
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helps
children
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achieve academic success,
hobbies
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are essential for personal growth and relaxation. A balance between study and leisure is the best approach for a healthy and successful life.

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structure
Be more clear about your view in the intro and restate it simply at the end.
content
Give more detail to each idea and add one or two stronger examples.
language
Use a bit more link words to show how ideas are linked and to avoid repeating phrases.
language
Try a little more variety in sentence length and form.
structure
End with a short, strong closing sentence that sums up.
strength
Clear stance from start and steady tone.
strength
Balanced talk on both sides.
strength
Good examples to back points.
strength
Easy to read and well laid out.
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