IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that children’s leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience.

#people #children’s #leisure #activities #waste #time
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The question of whether children’s leisure
activities
Use synonyms
 must be educational has sparked heated debate. Some regard that all
events
Use synonyms
 should have their aim or purpose,
while
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 others see entertaining
events
Use synonyms
 as
also
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 beneficial. I personally contend with the idea that leisure
activities
Use synonyms
 for kids are not necessarily educational, and other
events
Use synonyms
 are
also
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 meaningful. In
this
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 essay, I will elaborate reasons in more detail and provide my personal experience. First of all, educational
events
Use synonyms
 with certain purposes usually bring pressure and can be easily observed. When parents and educators intentionally
required
Wrong verb form
require
show examples
 students to participate in some particular
activities
Use synonyms
, they become unwilling to cooperate and tend to lose their motivation and curiosity on certain topics. Since, it is their nature that people hate to be forced to do something and so are youngsters,
thus
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, planned
events
Use synonyms
 with some goals consistently backfired and ultimately killed the possibility for them.
On the other hand
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, facts
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
 proven that non-educational
events
Use synonyms
 can
also
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 result in educational values. Playing basketball,
for instance
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, is seen as a mere recreational sport.
However
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, it is well-known that individuals who joined basketball teams have performed better leadership, negotiation skills and teamwork
ability
Fix the agreement mistake
abilities
show examples
.
This
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 is because when a team is playing to win, it grows related skills mentioned that
equipped
Wrong verb form
equip
show examples
 themselves, and
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
show examples
 them capable of winning.
Therefore
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, we can end up learning from those
events
Use synonyms
who
Correct pronoun usage
that we
show examples
regards
Wrong verb form
regarded
show examples
 as only
complete
Correct article usage
a complete
show examples
 waste of time. Regarding my personal experiences,
while
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 often seen as a recreational activity, watching
America
Correct your spelling
American
show examples
 TV shows (
such
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 as Friends) has brought unthinkable positive effects on me. Indulging in beloved dramas, my English improved to the next level since I was more familiar with its pronunciation and sentence structure. Surprisingly, it was
events
Use synonyms
 without a purpose that benefited me. In conclusion, educational
events
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 do not always reach their original goals
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and possibly
cased
Verb problem
cause
show examples
 opposite outcomes.
Additionally
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, entertainment can
otherwise
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 provide valuable educational achievements.
Therefore
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,
activities
Use synonyms
 for teens should not be detailly planned, and certainly
shall
Verb problem
should
show examples
 not always be educational.
Submitted by aaron.ten.tw on

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Coherence and Cohesion
The essay addresses the prompt and presents relevant examples to support the argument. However, there is room for improvement in presenting a clear introduction and conclusion that directly address the question.
Task Achievement
The essay provides a complete response to the task by presenting a strong argument and relevant examples. However, there is a need to ensure that all ideas are clearly developed and that the introduction and conclusion directly address the question.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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