IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many people are now opting to provide technology companies with their personal data in exchange for access to software. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #technology #companies #data #exchange #access #software #outweigh
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Yes, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of providing
technology
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 companies with personal
data
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 in exchange for access to
services
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 online software because
people
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 benefit from various
services
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 available online,
while
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 the risk of leaking personal
information
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 is quite rare. On the one hand, some
people
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 point out the risk of leaking personal
information
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 in creating their personal account when they use some online
services
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. They argue that by risking personal
data
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,
people
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 might be involved in fraud and be annoyed by tenacious sales invitations.
For example
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, whenever
people
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 make online purchases, they are likely to receive lots of sales
information
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 letters or messages later and
this
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 is annoying for many
people
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.
However
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, the actual risk of fraud because of
information
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 leakage is quite rare for many
people
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 and direct messages from shops are manageable online pages by customers.
On the other hand
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, we benefit a lot from various kinds of
services
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 in software online as the
technology
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 has advanced in recent years, i.e. our lives have become far more enjoyable and much easier than before in exchange for risking personal
data
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 provided to
technology
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 companies.
For instance
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, we can manage bank accounts online, watch movies at home, purchase almost anything online, and even work at home without commuting and
while
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 doing so, few of us experience any accidents caused by leakage of personal
data
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 because there are usually enough security countermeasures no to leak customers’
information
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 are obligated in
such
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technology
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 companies. In conclusion, the advantages of gaining easy access to many sorts of
services
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 available from software online far outweigh the disadvantages of risking personal
information
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.
Submitted by kana_ayaki on

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coherence cohesion
To improve your score further, make sure to elaborate more on your main points with additional examples or studies. Also, consider addressing counter-arguments more thoroughly to create a balanced discussion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that your ideas flow logically from one to another. Transitions between paragraphs can be smoother to help guide the reader through your essay seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
In your conclusion, briefly restate the main points discussed in your essay to reinforce your argument and provide a clear summary.
task achievement
To achieve a higher score, make sure your response fully addresses all parts of the task. Ensure each part of the prompt (e.g., advantages and disadvantages) is discussed thoroughly.
task achievement
Further clarify your ideas by providing additional examples where necessary, making sure each idea is thoroughly explained and supported.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear thesis statement in the introduction, outlining the main argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces the thesis, rounding off the essay well.
task achievement
Relevant and specific examples are provided to support the main points, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The essay provides a complete response to the task, discussing both advantages and disadvantages and making a clear stance.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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