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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Everyone should stay at school until 18. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#school
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It is said that all
students
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 should stay at
school
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 until the
age
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 of
eighteen
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.
Although
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 staying at
school
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 until adulthood can bring enormous benefits, I still disagree with
this
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 idea for many reasons, which will be outlined in
this
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 essay.
To begin
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 with,
children
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 should continue to study at
school
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 until the
age
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 of
eighteen
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 does
have
Wrong verb form
has
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 several
certain
Correct word choice
apply
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advantages.
Firstly
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, there is a major group of young people, who
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 less than
eighteen
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 years old, have very little practical experience and have very little intention of what goals they will direct.
Consequently
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, staying at
school
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 until mature
age
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 will help them have a suitable environment to develop their education and time to think about their future career path.
Moreover
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, compelling candidates to stay at the institute until
eighteen
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 will create a better-educated future generation of people, which may assist
to reduce
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in reducing
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 social problems and unemployment rates.
However
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, there is the figure of drawbacks that
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
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 me disagree with
this
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 idea. It can be seen that many
children
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 these days do not fit in with the common education system and forcing them to remain at
school
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 can cause some problems.
For example
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, these kinds of
students
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 are usually very disruptive in a classroom and
this
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 affects other
students
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 who are striving for study.
Additionally
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, most
students
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 many
children
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 choose to follow careers that do not require them to continue studying in
school
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 past the
age
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 of sixteen.
For instance
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, for those who wish to follow a career that requires more practical-based learning,
such
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 as a qualified builder, electrician, or machinery operator, it is quite unnecessary to remain at
school
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 until the
age
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 of
eighteen
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. In conclusion,
although
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 there are many beneficial advantages for
children
Use synonyms
 remaining at
school
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 until adulthood. In my view, I personally feel that the drawbacks outweigh the positives mentioned above.
Submitted by anhnguhongmai on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and consistent introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
Provide relevant and specific examples to support your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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