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Band 4.5

Everyone should stay at school until 18. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#school
It is said that all
students
 should stay at
school
 until the
age
 of
eighteen
.
Although
 staying at
school
 until adulthood can bring enormous benefits, I still disagree with
this
 idea for many reasons, which will be outlined in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with,
children
 should continue to study at
school
 until the
age
 of
eighteen
 does
have
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 several
certain
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
advantages.
Firstly
, there is a major group of young people, who
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 less than
eighteen
 years old, have very little practical experience and have very little intention of what goals they will direct.
Consequently
, staying at
school
 until mature
age
 will help them have a suitable environment to develop their education and time to think about their future career path.
Moreover
, compelling candidates to stay at the institute until
eighteen
 will create a better-educated future generation of people, which may assist
to reduce
Change preposition
in reducing
show examples
 social problems and unemployment rates.
However
, there is the figure of drawbacks that
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
show examples
 me disagree with
this
 idea. It can be seen that many
children
 these days do not fit in with the common education system and forcing them to remain at
school
 can cause some problems.
For example
, these kinds of
students
 are usually very disruptive in a classroom and
this
 affects other
students
 who are striving for study.
Additionally
, most
students
 many
children
 choose to follow careers that do not require them to continue studying in
school
 past the
age
 of sixteen.
For instance
, for those who wish to follow a career that requires more practical-based learning,
such
 as a qualified builder, electrician, or machinery operator, it is quite unnecessary to remain at
school
 until the
age
 of
eighteen
. In conclusion,
although
 there are many beneficial advantages for
children
 remaining at
school
 until adulthood. In my view, I personally feel that the drawbacks outweigh the positives mentioned above.
Submitted by anhnguhongmai on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and consistent introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
Provide relevant and specific examples to support your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Peer pressure
  • Desensitize
  • Aggressive behavior
  • Neglect
  • Abuse
  • Supervision
  • Anti-bullying measures
  • Societal norms
  • Stereotypes
  • Dominance
  • Cyberbullying
  • Anonymity
  • Digital devices
  • Enforcement
  • Cultural tolerance
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