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Band 4.5

In some countries, there are many social problems involving teenagers. Some people say this is because parents spend much of their time at work and not at home, do you agree or disagree?

#countries #teenagers #people #parents #time #work #home
In the temporary era, the young person has a lot of social problems
such
 as antisocial and violence. Some people argue that
this
 is because too many
parents
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 their time at their job and are indifferent to their
children
. In my
view
, I strongly agree with
this
 point of
view
. My
view
as well as
 my thoughts will be highlighted in
this
 write-up.
To begin
 with, it is true that
parents
 are too busy to care about their
children
 nowadays.
This
 is because they need to concentrate on their jobs,
due to
 there being too much competition and pressure on the work.
In addition
, a lot of young individuals look after their
children
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
 technology stuff
such
 as
youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
, switch and
iPad
Correct your spelling
iPads
instead
 of themselves.
For instance
, if their
children
 are too annoying when they are eating, they will bring their
parents
' smartphones to make them quiet.
On the other hand
, many individuals thoughts they have to work hard and make more money which can let their family reduce the burden of finances and
boosts
Correct subject-verb agreement
boost
show examples
 their quality of life.
Moreover
, some
parents
 say that they just need to provide the amount of money to their child without paying attention and do not even care about school, relationships and how they feel. In my point of
view
,
this
 is the main reason that cause teenagers have some social problems
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they use the wrong way to care for their child. In conclusion, it is positive
to
Change preposition
that
show examples
parents
 desire to make money for the family financially and improve their lifestyle.
However
,
although
 they are busy, they need to pay attention to their
children
 too.
Submitted by may55207474 on

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task response
Ensure to address all parts of the essay prompt clearly and provide a more balanced view by acknowledging potential counterarguments.
coherence cohesion
Improve the organization of ideas by using clear topic sentences, transitions, and a stronger concluding statement to summarize the main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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