IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
It’s considered that
easiest
Correct article usage
the easiest
show examples
 method to reduce the amount of consumed sugar
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
contains
Wrong verb form
contained
show examples
 in food and beverages is increasing
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the level of
prices
 for
such
 products. I completely disagree with
this
 opinion and suppose that teaching people, especially the young generation, about
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 diet is the more effective way. First of all, I believe that the rise
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
prices
 causes more revenue for the companies, which produce sugar-containing goods, to a greater extent, and, to a much lesser, lead to
stop
Correct article usage
a stop
show examples
 or decrease consumption of sugary food and drink.
For example
,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 similar situation is occurring in
area
Add an article
the area
an area
show examples
 of tobacco sales in Uzbekistan. Through the decades the cost of cigarettes has been rising, and it increased twice only in
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 two years. Meanwhile, the
percent
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
 of smokers grew from 9 to 16
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the same period
according to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
data
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
World
Correct article usage
the World
show examples
 Health Organization.
That is
 why it is more important to choose
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 complex way that makes
clear
Correct article usage
a clear
show examples
 understanding for
consumer
Fix the agreement mistake
consumers
show examples
 about harmful
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their health than to look only at the increasing
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
costs.
Secondly
, high
prices
 can take a serious hit on the wallet of individuals with
low
Add an article
a low
the low
show examples
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of income,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
, in its turn, may lead not to encourage
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 to refuse
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sweets
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but to look for cheaper and poor-quality goods. As
result
Correct article usage
a result
show examples
,
such
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of substitutes can damage
individual’s
Correct article usage
an individual’s
show examples
 health much more.
To conclude
, I strongly believe that
wide-spread
Correct your spelling
widespread
show examples
 knowledge among
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 about how our bodies work and which nutrition is useful for them is more beneficial than the
growing
Replace the word
growth
show examples
 of
prices
 because it makes people motivated, despite the fact that
this
 path is longer, but ultimately it is more powerful in solving the problem to reduce sugar consuming.
Submitted by alexander.vectorgs on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: