IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

As compared to the past, children these days spend more of their leisure time indoors with computers and TV and less time outdoors. Describe some of the problems this lack of outdoor leisure time can cause and suggest at least one possible solution.

#children #leisure #time #indoors #computers #tv #lack
There is no doubt that
children
 prefer spending their leisure
time
 in front of the big screen to going outside.
This
 may cause many problems
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their health. In
this
 essay, I will give some solutions to avoid it in the future.
Firstly
, many studies have proven that playing video games and watching TV for
children
 has a negative effect on their health and
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 compared to playing outdoors.
For example
, wearing headphones and focusing on the screen for a long
time
 may cause low hearing and seeing.
Secondly
, sitting for a long
time
 causes backache and weak muscles.
Consequently
, they can not join in any movement activities like running and winning it.
Thirdly
, sitting on the sofa eating junk food and candies
while
 watching a movie or a program will gain them weight with
time
.
That is
 because high of calories in their food without any activity to burn it. There are many ways to solve these problems. In the beginning, parents and schools must collaborate to encourage
children
 to join in sports activities inside and outside the school.
Also
, parents need to spend more
time
 with their
children
 outside to learn them
fishing
Replace the word
fish
show examples
, camping and climbing to help them improve their skills and decide their
hoppies
Correct your spelling
hippies
. In conclusion,
children
 need to spend more
time
 outside walls and join
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
other kids of the same age playing with them under the blue sky and breathing fresh air.
In addition
,
children
 influence by their parents in
this
 life, so they should care about their
time
 and how to spend it in the right way with their kids and learn them how to stay healthy by doing sports outdoors as a lifestyle.
Submitted by halah.z.alamri on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: