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Band 4.5

Young people are highly influenced by famous people and they look up to them as role models. Is that a positive or negative development?

#people #role #models #development
Nowadays, many well-known celebrities and influencers inspire many adolescents towards their careers and
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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. With the positive impacts and
life
lesson-learned
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lessons
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 they may bring to the young generation, I believe that looking up to famous
people
 as
role-model
Correct your spelling
models
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 is a positive trend for many youngsters. Adoring famous
people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 are successful in their
life
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lives
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 can spread great motivation for the young generation to become a better version of themselves.
For instance
, Maudy Ayunda, an Indonesian multi-talented actress, singer and influencer set a good example of how a person can balance her successful entertainment career
while
also
 pursuing her education in Ivy League universities. The story
life
 of
such
 a high-achiever,
as well as
 a famous person, may undoubtedly reach more audiences that follow her, resulting positive impact on our younger generation to achieve their own dream and to seek their own potential. Another good impact of following famous
people
 is teenagers can learn from these
people
's failure
life
 stories.
It is clear that
 public figures do not become successful in one night and many of them start from zero and often face challenges in their
life
. Jennie Lee,
for example
, has to strive to be an idol trainee for more than ten years before she
finally
 can debut as a member of Blackpink, the most high-paid K-pop idol group. Her perseverance in achieving her goal may inspire many teenagers
how
Rephrase
apply
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to overcome challenges and get back up when facing failure in
life
. In conclusion, a famous person absolutely can be a good illustration and bring positive impacts and inspire many adolescents.
Moreover
, youngsters need to understand the importance of role models in their careers and take a good example for these public figures.
Submitted by sheilaamalia85 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear main idea and supports it with relevant examples. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more effectively developed to improve the overall coherence.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the positive impact of looking up to famous people as role models. The response is clear but lacks thorough development and could benefit from a more comprehensive approach to supporting the main points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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