IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Young people are highly influenced by famous people and they look up to them as role models. Is that a positive or negative development?

#people #role #models #development
Nowadays, many well-known celebrities and influencers inspire many adolescents towards their careers and
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. With the positive impacts and
life
lesson-learned
Correct your spelling
lessons
show examples
 they may bring to the young generation, I believe that looking up to famous
people
 as
role-model
Correct your spelling
models
show examples
 is a positive trend for many youngsters. Adoring famous
people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are successful in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 can spread great motivation for the young generation to become a better version of themselves.
For instance
, Maudy Ayunda, an Indonesian multi-talented actress, singer and influencer set a good example of how a person can balance her successful entertainment career
while
also
 pursuing her education in Ivy League universities. The story
life
 of
such
 a high-achiever,
as well as
 a famous person, may undoubtedly reach more audiences that follow her, resulting positive impact on our younger generation to achieve their own dream and to seek their own potential. Another good impact of following famous
people
 is teenagers can learn from these
people
's failure
life
 stories.
It is clear that
 public figures do not become successful in one night and many of them start from zero and often face challenges in their
life
. Jennie Lee,
for example
, has to strive to be an idol trainee for more than ten years before she
finally
 can debut as a member of Blackpink, the most high-paid K-pop idol group. Her perseverance in achieving her goal may inspire many teenagers
how
Rephrase
apply
show examples
to overcome challenges and get back up when facing failure in
life
. In conclusion, a famous person absolutely can be a good illustration and bring positive impacts and inspire many adolescents.
Moreover
, youngsters need to understand the importance of role models in their careers and take a good example for these public figures.
Submitted by sheilaamalia85 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear main idea and supports it with relevant examples. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more effectively developed to improve the overall coherence.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the positive impact of looking up to famous people as role models. The response is clear but lacks thorough development and could benefit from a more comprehensive approach to supporting the main points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: