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Band 6

(Sofia) In many countries students’ concentration in the classroom has decreased. What are the reasons for this? What are some possible solutions? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

#sofia #countries #students’ #concentration #classroom
Nowadays, the technology era
changes
Wrong verb form
is changing
show examples
 human behaviour, individuals are more susceptible to distraction because of plenty of access to information including diet and
quality
 of sleep.
Nevertheless
,
this
 new comportment affects the concentration of
children
 in schools.
However
,
this
 problem can be resolved with simple solutions
such
 as limiting the time on screens and improving better
quality
 of life.
Firstly
, technology brought a plethora of developments,
although
 the worst consequence is loss of attention. In actual days,
children
 have more access to smartphones, making it extremely difficult to maintain focus, because social media have their own mechanism to catch the attention of users, teenagers are more stimulated by notifications on social media and prefer to enjoy videos without theoretical
classes
. Even though an example of a solution is the government of China, limiting the time
used
Verb problem
spent
show examples
 with mobile phones and video games in school to solve
this
 problem.
In addition
, their professors and
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 can invest in dynamic
classes
 with games, quizzes and debates.
Secondly
, the way
children
 eat and the quantity of sleep
also
 affect concentration in
classes
. Encouraging
children
 to eat fruits, vegetables, and a balanced diet will help to maintain the disposition of teenagers and
prevents
Correct subject-verb agreement
prevent
show examples
 sleepiness in
classes
. In conclusion, all these solutions will improve the
quality
 of concentration , limiting the time in the virtual world and focusing on the present, health habits
such
 as
quality
 of sleep and balanced diet and avoiding distraction, especially for
children
 in school,
as a result
 of
that is
 higher scores on exams and
quality
 of life for future generations.
Submitted by liviatentor on

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task response
Task response: The essay partially addresses the reasons for decreased student concentration in the classroom and provides some possible solutions. However, the examples and reasons provided could be more specific and well-developed to create a stronger argument.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: The essay demonstrates a good logical structure with clear introduction and conclusion. The main points are supported, and the ideas are presented in a cohesive manner. However, there are areas where the examples and transitions could be more developed to further enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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