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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

the bar chart shows about female and male academic member staff in 2012

the bar chart shows about female and male academic member staff in 2012
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The bar chart showed the proportion between male and female academic
staff
Use synonyms
 members of major universities with different
faculties
Use synonyms
 in 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
 from seven
faculties
Use synonyms
, male
staff
Use synonyms
 have more percentage at four
faculties
Use synonyms
, there at Engineering, Business, Science and Law.
While
Linking Words
 female
staff
Use synonyms
 have more percentage at three
faculties
Use synonyms
, there Education, Arts and Medicine.
According to
Linking Words
 the graph, Engineering
faculties
Use synonyms
 are dominated by male
staff
Use synonyms
, with a gap of more than 80% for male and almost 20% for female
staff
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, another gap
Linking Words
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
 shown in the Education
faculties
Use synonyms
, Female
staff
Use synonyms
 has almost 75%
while
Linking Words
 Male
staff
Use synonyms
 only count about 25%. On the other
faculty
Use synonyms
, Business
faculty
Use synonyms
 and Science
faculty
Use synonyms
 are
similarly
Linking Words
 dominated by male
staff
Use synonyms
 at about 65% and female
staff
Use synonyms
 at only 35%, followed by Law
faculty
Use synonyms
 that are dominated by males at about 60% and 40% female
staff
Use synonyms
.
By contrast
Linking Words
,
besides
Linking Words
 the Education
faculty
Use synonyms
, female
staff
Use synonyms
 only have slight differences in Art
faculty
Use synonyms
 about 55% female AND 45% male, followed by Medicine
faculty
Use synonyms
 which only have a thin difference of about 3%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 71%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words staff, faculties, faculty with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "differences" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 5 times.
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