In modern times, children are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends. Why has this change occurred? Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home?
Many pupils are spending more
time
with their friends
instead
of their families
lately. This
is due to
the advancement of communication devices and platforms, however
, I think that pupils should not be forced to spend more time
with their families
because this
can upset them.
The development of communication gadgets and social media
affects how children
spend their time
with their families
. The proliferation of gadgets such
as handphones and laptops makes it easier for children
to communicate with their friends
. Moreover
, with the widespread usage of social media
such
as Instagram and TikTok, children
are most likely to spend more time
on their social media
to contact their friends
. For example
, many children
are spending their time
on the phone to chat or talk to their friends
through social media
all day long.
Although
nowadays children
are spending less time
with their families
, I don't think that they should be forced to spend more time
at home because it could bother their relationship with their parents
. Being forced to spend more time
at home will make many children
unhappy, and as a result
, they will look at their parents
angrily. Instead
, I believe it is better for parents
to start communicating differently with their children
with more warmth and different manners. For instance
, a recent study found that children
with good relationships with their parents
,
will likely have lower rates of daily screen Remove the comma
apply
time
.
To conclude
, many pupils are spending more time
with their friends
rather than their family because of the advancement of telecommunication devices and media
. Nonetheless
, they should not be forced to spend more time
at home because this
can make them unhappy with their families
.Submitted by aribawadzaki on
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coherence cohesion
Your essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, and the main points are mostly supported, which contributes to good coherence and cohesion. However, try to provide more relevant examples to support your points further. Including more specific instances or studies can strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
You have effectively addressed the task and provided a complete response. To improve further, consider adding more variety to your sentence structures and making sure that all your ideas are comprehensive and well-elaborated. Detailed explanations will help reinforce your positions and make your essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
You have a well-organized essay with a clear introduction and conclusion. This structure helps convey your main points effectively.
task achievement
Your response demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and includes relevant arguments as to why children should not be forced to spend more time with their families. This shows a strong engagement with the task.
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