IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Today more people are overweight than ever before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this? what are the main consequences of this issue.

#people #consequences
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Nowadays, the number of overweight
people
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 is increasing than the past ever. In my opinion, I agree with
this
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 issue because of the technological revolution and
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convinient
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convenient
 needs in
people
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 were
upward
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the upward
an upward
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 trend. The implication of
this
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 is making
people
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 who are
more
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apply
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fatter and some more consequences of
this
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 issue. For the primary reason,
technological
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the technological
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 revolution
that
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apply
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changed
working
Correct article usage
the working
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 behaviour of
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
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 which
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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caused less activity and the consequence of overweight
people
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 as well. In the
lastest
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latest
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 decade of
twenties
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the twenties
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 century, most of working outside jobs had been
tranffered
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transferred
 to working in offices by the
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convinient
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convenient
 technology,
specially
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especially
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computer
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computers
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.
People
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 did not need to
went
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go
show examples
 out for
tranffering
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transferring
 papers, they could trade information by
the
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apply
show examples
e-mail.
Moreover
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, televisions, radios, and
internet
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the internet
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 were the best technological productions for them to
communicated
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communicate
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which
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apply
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updated information
such
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 as news at home
instead
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 they moved out.
In addition
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, most outdoor activities
such
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 as sports,
picnic
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picnics
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, camping,etc. were replaced by TV programs.
For instance
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,
according to
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 the news on
the
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apply
show examples
vnexpress.net, Most
people
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 in Vietnam
who
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apply
show examples
spend their time playing computer games or watching
televisions
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television
show examples
 than before because It is easy to
approchable
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approachable
. For
the
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apply
show examples
other reasons, When the
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convinient
Correct your spelling
convenience
 needs
in
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of
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 human is highly in growth, that's why many fast food companies follow
this
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 trend to serve
eating
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the eating
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 needs of
people
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. Meanwhile, home-cooked is not the best solution for them
in
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on
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the
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a
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 busy day.
Hence
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, fast food consumes
amount
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an amount
the amount
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 of calories
such
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 as many sugars and fatty
subtances
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substances
 that keep inside
human
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the human
a human
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 body for a long time and
difficulty
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difficult
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 to put
it
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apply
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out without
do
Wrong verb form
doing
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 activities or
play
Wrong verb form
playing
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 sports.
This
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 has led to
people
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 to more fat ever.
For example
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, the rate of overweight and fat
people
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 has increased rapidly in the
last
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 few
year
Change to a plural noun
years
show examples
 until now. In Conclusion, the technological revolution and
Use synonyms
convinient
Correct your spelling
convenience
 needs
such
Linking Words
 as eating fast food in
people
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 that are
main
Correct article usage
the main
show examples
 causes to make
people
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are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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fat, bringing unforeseeable consequences
about
Change preposition
for
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 human health and serious problem diseases.
Submitted by phanminhman07 on

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Obesity epidemic
  • Processed foods
  • Urbanization
  • Metabolism
  • Genetic predisposition
  • Calorie-dense foods
  • Fast food
  • Advertising influence
  • Economic factors
  • Physical inactivity
  • Poor dietary choices
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