IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Government investment in the art, such as music and theaters is a waste of money. Government must invest this money in public services instead. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#government #investment #art #music #theaters #waste #money #services
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Some
people
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 are of the view that the government of any country investing in
art
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 is not utilising its resources in a good manner and they must invest the money in public
services
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instead
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. I completely agree that for any nation to grow it needs to spend on
art
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such
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 as music and theatres to bring harmony among the
people
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.
To begin
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 with, authorities of any city around the globe putting their finances into building
art
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 galleries, theatres or music concert auditoriums can never be a waste of money. To elucidate, schools these days have come up with the idea of making students learn by performing the same in real life.
Furthermore
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, these buildings are being utilised by school authorities who take their students to visit
such
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 places and explain the concepts by giving physical examples for better clarity of the concepts.
Also
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, kids can always get interested in anything they physically see and opt for the same as their profession.
On the other hand
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, when
people
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 think that governments should invest in public
services
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 they forget that our younger generations can never be benefitted from it. To exemplify, constructing monuments which depict the past and not providing enough knowledge about it can never be a help to the public.
Furthermore
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, governments expenditure on public
services
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 is always good for society but they must keep in mind that the investment done by them should result in the benefit of its
people
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.
To conclude
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, I would say that the governments spending the money either on
art
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 or on public
services
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 should always keep in mind the benefit of that to the society at large.
Submitted by resume2012principal on

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task response
Make sure to provide a balanced argument when expressing your opinion, addressing both sides of the issue.
coherence and cohesion
The essay displays a clear, logical structure. However, consider using clearer transitional phrases to improve the cohesion of your ideas.
lexical resource
The essay demonstrates a wide range of vocabulary and uses appropriate expressions to convey meaning. Consider adding more varied and sophisticated vocabulary to enhance the lexical resource.
grammatical range
The essay showcases a good command of grammar and sentence structure. However, pay attention to subject-verb agreement and use a variety of sentence structures to further improve your grammatical range.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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