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Writing Samples
Band 7

The chart below shows global sales of the top five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013. Write a report for a university, lecturer describing the information shown below. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. You should write at least 150 words.

The chart below shows global sales of the top five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013. Write a report for a university, lecturer describing the information shown below. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. You should write at least 150 words.
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The bar chart illustrates the world mobile phone
sales
Use synonyms
 (
Samsung
Use synonyms
,
Apple
Use synonyms
,
Nokia
Use synonyms
,
LG
Use synonyms
, and
ZTE
Use synonyms
) in three periods (2009,2011 and 2013).
Overall
Linking Words
, the chart presents an increase in
sales
Use synonyms
 for (
Samsung
Use synonyms
,
Apple
Use synonyms
, and
ZTE
Use synonyms
)
while
Linking Words
Nokia
Use synonyms
 and
LG
Use synonyms
 show a decrease.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in 2009, we can see that the highest
sales
Use synonyms
 in the world from the five brands were
Nokia
Use synonyms
 at around 440,
then
Linking Words
Samsung
Use synonyms
 at almost 230, and around 220 for
LG
Use synonyms
, 50 for
ZTE
Use synonyms
, and almost 25 for
Apple
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, in 2011, there was a rapid rise in
sales
Use synonyms
 of
Samsung
Use synonyms
 and
Apple
Use synonyms
 (at around 320 and 95, respectively),
while
Linking Words
ZTE
Use synonyms
 showed a slight increase. The opposite for
Nokia
Use synonyms
 and
LG
Use synonyms
 shows gradually decreased
sales
Use synonyms
 (almost 420 and 95 respectively).
Finally
Linking Words
, in 2013, we can see a jump in
Samsung
Use synonyms
sales
Use synonyms
 to 450 and a climb in
Apple
Use synonyms
sales
Use synonyms
 to 150, with a slight change in
sales
Use synonyms
 of
ZTE
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, a dramatic drop in
Nokia
Use synonyms
's
sales
Use synonyms
 and a slight fall in
LG
Use synonyms
's
sales
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by halah.z.alamri on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words sales, samsung, apple, nokia, lg, zte with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "show" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 3 times.
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