IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people nowadays spend a large part of their free time using a smartphone. What do you think are the reasons for this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#people #part #time #smartphone #development
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It is often said that people spend a lot of free
time
 staying
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their smartphones. A lot of things in
person’s
Correct article usage
a person’s
show examples
life
 are linked
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
phone
 usage,
for example
, work, studying,
communication
Correct word choice
and communication
show examples
.
However
, it is used as a source of dopamine with so many social media and games which are
build
Wrong verb form
built
show examples
 to have all your attention.
This
consume
Change the verb form
consumes
show examples
 a big part of our
time
 in a day and,
as a result
, individuals struggle with
time
 deficit, attention disorder and health problems. The reason I agree with the statement is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 fact that
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
appeared
Wrong verb form
appear
show examples
 to take
all
Change preposition
up all
show examples
 of our free
time
 by providing us
the
Add the preposition
with the
show examples
 fastest way of interaction.
For instance
, you need to put much more effort
to do
Change preposition
into doing
show examples
 things like playing soccer in real
life
 and it is easier to make it
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 your
phone
.
Furthermore
, phones have an influence on our socialization,
moreover
, sometimes people refuse to make personal meetings and walks because they just have a much more pleasure staying at their phones. It is
well-known
Correct article usage
a well-known
show examples
 fact that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
real
face to face
Add a hyphen
face-to-face
show examples
 conversations are rarely applied in nowadays
life
 which makes us use our phones
to
Replace the word
too
show examples
 much.
For
this
 reason, individuals
facing
Wrong verb form
face
show examples
a problems
Correct the article-noun agreement
problems
a problem
show examples
 with
headache
Fix the agreement mistake
headaches
show examples
, ADHD and other health problems.
To conclude
, all the free
time
 spent on your
phone
 has a negative influence on aspects of your personal and social
life
. I believe that our society
seek
Change the verb form
seeks
show examples
 to resolve
this
 problem as fast as possible because
this
 problem will be increasing year by year.
Submitted by acaitaz on

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, further elaborate on why individuals prefer phone activities over real-life activities, using more specific examples.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence and cohesion by using variety of linking words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly. For example, use terms like 'in addition,' 'furthermore,' or 'as a result.'
coherence cohesion
You introduced and concluded the essay well, which is vital for organizing your thoughts clearly.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task effectively by discussing the reasons and the effect of smartphone usage.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • digital addiction
  • instant gratification
  • multifunctional
  • connectivity
  • social networking
  • online services
  • self-expression
  • entertainment options
  • instant access
  • educational resources
  • communication tools
  • virtual interactions
  • distracted living
  • technological dependence
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