IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many young people are motivated and successful at high school. Many others, however, lack motivation and see high school as irrelevant to their interests and needs. Why is this? What could be done to help all students succeed? Requirement : Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #school #lack #motivation #interests #students #requirement
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It is sometimes argued that
while
 some high
school
students
 enjoy spending at and are satisfied with
school
, others are bored
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
school
. I believe that the reason why they are disappointed at
school
 is because there is (are?) a big gap between their ideal and reality and the emergence of
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
.
Firstly
, there is a gap between what they want to
study
 or make an effort to and what they are forced to
study
 every day. That difference can cause them not to
forcus
Correct your spelling
focus
 to learn.
Secondaly
Correct your spelling
Secondly
, thanks to the technology innovation, more people, even high
school
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
, can purchase
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
one.
However
,
smartphone
Add an article
the smartphone
a smartphone
show examples
 is so addictive that it prevents
student
Add an article
the student
a student
show examples
 from concentrating on their studies and even going to
school
 every day. In order to improve the bad situations, (or in order to solve
this
 problem ) the program of
study
 should be converted into the new one, where
students
 can choose the subject that they want to take, depending on their interests and needs.
Therefore
,
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 should provide liberal arts,
such
 as art, music, sports, politics, law, and financial classes. From my own experience,
such
 a program made me spend
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 enjoyable time.
Secondly
,
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 cooperate with
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 for creating
law
Fix the agreement mistake
laws
show examples
 regarding smartphones. The regulation of the usage of
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 allows
students
 to focus on
study
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
 more
as well as
 to avoid committing crimes via mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
. In conclusion, I believe that some
students
 are disappointed at
school
 because of both the spring of mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 and the difference between what they expect
school
 to do and what they are compelled to do by
school
.
Therefore
, I maintain that it should be dealt with by the regulation of mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 and the supply of more variety of studies supported by
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
.
Submitted by kanchanakularathna1991 on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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