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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays, some older people choose to live in the retirement communities with other people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development?

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In the modern days, numerous aged individuals choose to live in some facilities like aged care houses, nursing hospitals and retirement communities with other
people
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 more than want to live
together with
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 their grown-up
children
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. There are some negatives in
this
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 situation, but personally, I believe there are more positives. On the one hand, there are some negatives in
this
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 circumstance.
First,
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If old
people
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 live
together with
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 their adult
children
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, they may have to watch their grandsons or daughters. Of course, kids are so cute and adorable but it is hard to watch all day.
For example
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, In Korea, plenty of adult
children
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 ask their parents to watch their kids because of their jobs. So, as an outcome, old
people
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 watch kids for entire their lives.
Therefore
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,
this
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 condition is not good for aged
people
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.
On the other hand
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, going to retirement communities has some positives. If they live there, they can meet the same generation of
people
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, and
as a result
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, they can play games and social activities.
For instance
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, some studies show that if old
people
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 do more exercise and meet other
people
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, it is good for their mental and physical health. Eventually,
this
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 state of affairs prevents seniors from suicide or solitude. In conclusion, many old
people
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 choosing to in facilities is a double-edged sword. Sometimes living with adult
children
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 is good but sometimes not. So, we must respect their choice but think about what is the best way to live together in society, which leads to making our society more harmonious.

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task response
Provide a clear position in the introduction and a summary in the conclusion. Ensure that the essay addresses all aspects of the task question.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by providing a more organized flow of ideas and linking sentences and paragraphs more effectively.
lexical resource
Enhance the range of vocabulary and use more precise and appropriate words and phrases.
grammatical range
Pay attention to sentence structure, use a variety of sentence types, and ensure accurate use of grammar and punctuation.
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