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Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays, some older people choose to live in the retirement communities with other people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development?

In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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modern days, numerous aged individuals choose to live in some facilities like aged care houses, nursing
hospitals
Check wording
homes
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 retirement communities with other
people
Use synonyms
Punctuation problem
, more
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more
Rephrase
rather
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 than want to live
together with
Linking Words
 their grown-up
children
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. There are some negatives in
this
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 situation, but personally, I believe there are more positives. On the one hand, there are some negatives in
this
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 circumstance.
First,
Linking Words
If
Fix capitalization
if
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 old
people
Use synonyms
 live
together with
Linking Words
 their adult
children
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, they may have to watch their
grandsons
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grandchildren
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 or
daughters
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children
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. Of course, kids are so cute and adorable
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 it is hard to watch all day.
For example
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,
In
Fix capitalization
in
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 Korea, plenty of adult
children
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 ask their parents to watch their kids because of their jobs. So, as an outcome, old
people
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 watch kids for
entire their
Correct word order
their entire
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 lives.
Therefore
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,
this
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 condition is not good for
aged
Correct word choice
elderly
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people
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
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, going to retirement communities has some positives. If they live there, they can meet the same generation of
people
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, and
as a result
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, they can play games and social activities.
For instance
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, some studies show that if old
people
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 do more exercise and meet other
people
Use synonyms
, it is good for their mental and physical health. Eventually,
this
Linking Words
 state of affairs prevents seniors from suicide or solitude. In conclusion, many old
people
Use synonyms
 choosing to
in
Verb problem
live in
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 facilities is a double-edged sword. Sometimes living with adult
children
Use synonyms
 is good
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 sometimes not. So, we must respect their choice but think about what is the best way to live together in society, which leads to making our society more harmonious.

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structure
Make a clear plan at the start. State your view in the first paragraph and keep it to the end.
coherence
Each paragraph should have one main idea. Start with a short sentence that shows the idea, then add a bit more.
grammar
Use short, simple sentences. Fix long lines and careful word choice.
content
Give one or two real examples and say why they back your point.
content
The write up gives both sides and ends with a view that shows you think about society.
structure
The close ties to the idea of choice and peace in society in the end.
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