Some people believe that subjects such as art, music, drama and creative writing have a bright future. Therefore, schools should spend more time teaching these subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Some people argue that schools should prioritise the learning schedule on
arts
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as they can brighten the youngsters' future. In fact, I disagree with the statement for two main reasons.
Firstly
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, focusing on the
arts
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in schools will make the
students
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feel excluded. Not all of the
students
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have a passion for the
arts
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. Some of them may like maths,
science
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and physical exercise. By focusing on the
arts
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, learners will see the learning process as
constraint
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a constraint
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. It will make them feel unmotivated to go to
school
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, and they might skip the class easily.
Consequently
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, youngsters opt to stay at home rather than learn at
school
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.
In addition
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,
this
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policy can cause juvenile delinquency. As
students
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leave the learning process, it will give them more leisure time outside the
school
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. It will bring potential to meet criminals outside.
As a result
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, they can easily get affected by criminals and consume drugs and alcohol.
Secondly
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, prioritising on
arts
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will decrease interest in natural
science
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. As pupils will learn more about the
arts
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, it causes not be enough time to learn hard
science
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.
This
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policy will make the learning process unbalanced.
Moreover
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,
this
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phenomenon will bring long-term effects on the
science
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field.
For instance
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, there will be slow progress
research
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in research
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about illness and the universe, as not many people have the opportunity to learn
science
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in class.
Furthermore
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, the development of the technology will be postponed. It will be hard to hire engineers in the future.
As a result
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, people will be stuck in the traditional era.
To sum up
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,
this
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essay examines the impacts of prioritising
arts
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in
school
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, which are making
students
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feel unincluded and decreasing their interest in hard
science
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.
Therefore
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, I remained firmly convinced that spending more time in art class is not a wise option.

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improvement
Your view is clear, but add more proof and real examples. also show a counter view and say why your side is still right.
improvement
Keep the flow of ideas in each paragraph. Use more link words to join ideas smoothly.
improvement
Fix grammar and sound. Some phrases are not correct or common.
improvement
Be careful with facts that are not proven, like claims on crime. Avoid too strong statements.
strength
Clear stance in intro and end.
strength
Use of signpost words (Firstly, Secondly, In addition, To sum up).
strength
Basic paragraph structure is seen.
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