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Band 6

A rise in the standard of living in a country often only seems to benefit cities rather than rural areas. What problems can this cause? How might these problems be reduced?

#rise #country #benefit #cities #areas
In recent years, we obviously see that the
people
 who live in the
cities
 have more opportunities
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
 increasing
standard
Correct pronoun usage
their standard
show examples
 of living than
people
 who live far away.
As a result
, problems
such
 as inequality in the economy and
society
 will occur. To alleviate these problems, we need the government to equally improve
income
 distribution to rural
areas
. Normally, imbalance improving in
cities
 and rural
areas
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to
significant
Add an article
a significant
show examples
 disparity in the economy and
society
. Individuals in rural
areas
 who seek for better life will migrate to the
cities
 to do
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
show examples
which
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 can get higher
income
 in order to improve their well-being. When the
cities
 have increased in population density, it will be followed by rising pollution and environmental impact.
Moreover
, in rural
areas
 mostly
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of educated
people
due to
people
 who are educated mostly
choose
Wrong verb form
choosing
show examples
 to live in the
cities
which
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 are more comfortable.
This
 situation leads to transferring knowledge and the chance to develop rural
areas
 becoming more difficult.
However
, the problems can be mitigated by both
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 and private sectors to emphasize
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 egalitarian
society
. The government needs to develop
policy
Fix the agreement mistake
policies
show examples
 to enhance
income
 distribution for
rising
Verb problem
increasing
show examples
 the opportunity of individuals in rural
areas
 to have sufficient
income
. Private
sectors
Fix the agreement mistake
sector
show examples
 can help to develop volunteer programs to educate children in rural
areas
 in order to have enough wisdom to improve their
areas
. In conclusion, inclining in
standard
Add an article
the standard
a standard
show examples
 of living tends to have more benefit to
people
 who live in
cities
 and has a tendency to raise the problem of inequality in the economy and
society
.
Nevertheless
, we can mitigate
this
 situation by
collaboration
Replace the word
collaborating
show examples
 between government and private sectors to improve the well-being of
people
 in all
areas
.
Submitted by nattaporn.vibha on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

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    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
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    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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