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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the graph below gives information about the percentage of the population of four asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040

the graph below gives information about the percentage of the population of four asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040
#information #percentage #population #four #asian #countries #cities #predictions
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The line graph illustrates the proportion of urban residents in
Philippines
Correct article usage
the Philippines
show examples
,
Malaysia
Use synonyms
, Thailand and
Indonesia
Use synonyms
 between 1970 and 2020,with the expectations from 2030 to 2040.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is clearly shown on the chart that the percentage of population in all four countries is increasing and
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 has the highest
percent
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
 almost all the time.
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 and
Indonesia
Use synonyms
 all have a significant
rise
Use synonyms
 in their proportion of population, respectively from 30 to 85 for
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 and 13 to 63 for
Indonesia
Use synonyms
.
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 has always been
the
Change preposition
at the
show examples
 top except
1970
Change preposition
in 1970
show examples
 and 1990 with a little gap
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
 the first.
Indonesia
Use synonyms
 was the
last
Linking Words
 in 1970. But its rate grew quickly and
exceed
Wrong verb form
exceeded
show examples
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 two countries in 2000 and 2010.
Philippines
Correct article usage
The Philippines
show examples
 was
the
Change preposition
at the
show examples
 top at
first,
Linking Words
with
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 obvious increase from 31 to 50 in 1990 but
then
Linking Words
 dropped to 45
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2010.
Finally
Linking Words
, it is expected to
rise
Use synonyms
 to 55 which is lower than
Indonesia
Use synonyms
.Thailand have a slow
rise
Use synonyms
 from 18 to 30 at first and
then
Linking Words
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 almost no
changeable
Replace the word
change
show examples
 until it is predicted to
rise
Use synonyms
 again by 2020 and the rate still is the
last
Linking Words
 one in the end.
Submitted by huangzijun2293 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words malaysia, indonesia, rise with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "rise" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • graph
  • percentage
  • population
  • Asian countries
  • living in cities
  • 1970
  • 2020
  • predictions
  • 2030
  • 2040
  • introduction
  • overview
  • trend
  • body paragraph
  • compare
  • predicted percentages
  • summarize
  • closing statement
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