Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to only be meant for adults. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes, and what solutions can be offered?
Obesity
, a serious condition once only related to adults, is increasingly affecting children
in the present day. One
of the main causes is the increase in sedentary lifestyles and highly processed feed among children
, resulting in the necessity of policies to stimulate exercise and food education to resolve this
problem.
The increase of highly processed and sugar-rich food in modern times, such
as junk foods, which are cheaper and easier to eat, is one
of the primary causes of overweight in young people worldwide. In addition
, the lack of exercise nowadays due to
the preference to play video games and mobile devices rather than playing outside with their friend is another factor. Besides
, most parents do not stimulate their children
to play sports because they are busy enough to encourage them. For example
, in Brazil, the number of children
who play in after-school team sports has dropped significantly over the last
decade.
One
of the best solutions to this
problem is the education of children
about the dangers of being severely overweight in the future. Because, if children
understand the types of diseases associated with obesity
, they will be more aware of what they are eating. Moreover
, they will realize the real need for physical activity for their health, which, together with
the introduction of more exercises in the curriculum of schools, would encourage them to participate in more sports, allow them to burn calories, and avoid weight gain. Take schools where children
are required to participate in at least one
team sport as an example, these places have lower obesity
rates.
In conclusion, many children
are being affected with overweight by the consequence of eating unhealthy food combined with sedentarism. However
, with education policies to give enough information about the risks of obesity
in the future and the stimulation of exercise at school, the problem can be diminished.Submitted by kahenahoffmann on
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coherence cohesion
Strengthen the logical progression between sentences and paragraphs.
For example: 'In Brazil, the number of children who play after-school team sports has dropped significantly over the last decade.' This sentence could be connected more smoothly to the rest of the paragraph.
task achievement
Provide a more comprehensive explanation of obesity's health implications to enhance the task response.
Detail the specific diseases and impact on life quality to engage more deeply with the topic.
task achievement
Further elaborate your examples and make them closely tied to your main points.
For instance, the Brazil example is good but could be extended with more specific stats or consequences to solidify the argument.
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion that frame the essay well.
Both paragraphs do a good job of summarizing the problem and suggested solutions.
task achievement
Usage of relevant examples like the case of Brazil to support points.
This adds credibility and concreteness to the argument.
task achievement
General ideas are well-expressed and cover multiple aspects of the topic.
Covers diet, exercise, and education, effectively tackling the multifaceted issue of obesity.