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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to only be meant for adults. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes, and what solutions can be offered?

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Obesity
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, a serious condition once only related to adults, is increasingly affecting
children
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 in the present day.
One
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 of the main causes is the increase in sedentary lifestyles and highly processed feed among
children
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, resulting in the necessity of policies to stimulate exercise and food education to resolve
this
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 problem. The increase of highly processed and sugar-rich food in modern times,
such
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 as junk foods, which are cheaper and easier to eat, is
one
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 of the primary causes of overweight in young people worldwide.
In addition
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, the lack of exercise nowadays
due to
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 the preference to play video games and mobile devices rather than playing outside with their friend is another factor.
Besides
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, most parents do not stimulate their
children
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 to play sports because they are busy enough to encourage them.
For example
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, in Brazil, the number of
children
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 who play in after-school team sports has dropped significantly over the
last
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 decade.
One
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 of the best solutions to
this
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 problem is the education of
children
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 about the dangers of being severely overweight in the future. Because, if
children
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 understand the types of diseases associated with
obesity
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, they will be more aware of what they are eating.
Moreover
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, they will realize the real need for physical activity for their health, which,
together with
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 the introduction of more exercises in the curriculum of schools, would encourage them to participate in more sports, allow them to burn calories, and avoid weight gain. Take schools where
children
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 are required to participate in at least
one
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 team sport as an example, these places have lower
obesity
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 rates. In conclusion, many
children
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 are being affected with overweight by the consequence of eating unhealthy food combined with sedentarism.
However
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, with education policies to give enough information about the risks of
obesity
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 in the future and the stimulation of exercise at school, the problem can be diminished.

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coherence cohesion
Strengthen the logical progression between sentences and paragraphs. For example: 'In Brazil, the number of children who play after-school team sports has dropped significantly over the last decade.' This sentence could be connected more smoothly to the rest of the paragraph.
task achievement
Provide a more comprehensive explanation of obesity's health implications to enhance the task response. Detail the specific diseases and impact on life quality to engage more deeply with the topic.
task achievement
Further elaborate your examples and make them closely tied to your main points. For instance, the Brazil example is good but could be extended with more specific stats or consequences to solidify the argument.
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion that frame the essay well. Both paragraphs do a good job of summarizing the problem and suggested solutions.
task achievement
Usage of relevant examples like the case of Brazil to support points. This adds credibility and concreteness to the argument.
task achievement
General ideas are well-expressed and cover multiple aspects of the topic. Covers diet, exercise, and education, effectively tackling the multifaceted issue of obesity.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Obesity
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Prevalent
  • Genetic predisposition
  • Comfort eating
  • Screen time
  • Physical education
  • Nutritional education
  • Economic disparities
  • Food deserts
  • Subsidize
  • Advertising
  • Weight management
  • Junk food
  • Healthy food options
  • Physical activity
  • Body image
  • Counseling
  • Consumer education
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