IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Violence in the media promotes violence in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#violence #media #society
Violence is unquestionably one of the most prevalent and worrying issues in any society, and its prevention should be taken seriously. Undoubtedly, the
media
 industry has a valuable impact on
people
's behaviour,
consequently
, I completely agree with the statement that
media
 sources
such
 as the Internet and television are responsible for the promotion of violent actions.
To begin
 with, nowadays social
media
 are full of violent content,
therefore
people
 simply do not have an opportunity to avoid
this
 type of publication. Without a doubt, it is profitable for bloggers to post criminal content
due to
 the fact that it brings them hundreds of views.
However
,
this
 trend makes
people
 addicted to terrible videos and photos
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and definitely has a horrible impact on
people
's mental health.
For example
, a lot of
people
 leave comments under
such
 publications that could lead to upcoming conflicts between followers.
Moreover
,
this
 misunderstanding could transfer to real life and bring several negative consequences.
Furthermore
, it is known that modern cartoons demonstrate a lot of fights, wars and offences. Unfortunately, the young brain is not able to recognize these actions and divide them into right and wrong ones,
as a consequence
, the young generation considers violence to be an integral part of our community.
For instance
, hundreds of scientific research have already shown that children who watch
such
 episodes in childhood are more likely to commit crimes in the future.
To conclude
, despite varying opinions, I reckon that violence in the
media
 could definitely produce analogical problems in society.
Submitted by sofsya.fedorenko.2001 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Great job in addressing the topic and providing a clear stance on the issue. However, be sure to fully develop and support your ideas to increase the depth of your response.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay shows strong coherence and cohesion, with a clear introduction, well-linked ideas, and a solid conclusion. Consider varying your transitional phrases and ensuring the logical flow of your ideas throughout the essay.
lexical resource
Your use of vocabulary is generally effective, but try to incorporate a wider range of academic and formal expressions to enhance the overall quality of your writing.
grammatical range
You demonstrate a good command of grammar and a varied use of sentence structures. However, be mindful of minor errors in subject-verb agreement and use of prepositions.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: