IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that arts (such as painting and music) do not improve people’s life therefore the government should not spend money on it. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Numerous individuals argue that fine arts like visual arts and
music
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 do not enhance folk's life so the government ought not to spend money on it. In my opinion, I strongly disagree with the given statement and I will elaborate on it in
this
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 essay.
To begin
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 with, nowadays we can see a lot of
art
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such
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 as paint,
music
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 and visual
art
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. Some crowd’s like paint, and others like
music
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.
Moreover
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, sometimes
art
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 assists a patient who has a mental disease.
For example
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,
a
Change preposition
for a
show examples
child who has a disease named ADHD, various studies show that as a treatment, watching the visual arts and listening to
music
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 is very effective for child patients.
Furthermore
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,
art
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 can help children's mental development, and affect their creativity which leads to help find their talent and other abilities. So, it is good not only for youngster's mental advancement but
also
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 for children who have some diseases. In the same way,
music
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 is a good benefit for the population. when famous singers sing about love or romance, most folks are moved by that song, which makes them close to nations who have the same interests.
Besides
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,
music
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 has the power to the public's minds, so when they listen to
music
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 or movie OST, they can feel more comfortable and relaxed, which reduces their stress and makes them healthy.
For instance
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, several studies show that if people have diseases like cancer, doctors recommend listening to
music
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 their favourites, and a few sufferer's cancer is reduced.
Therefore
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, the government should spend on money
art
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. In conclusion, I completely disagree with
this
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 topic. We continue to develop
art
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 because it can assist many people
as well as
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 heal. So, the government more invest in
art
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 and that will be good for our society.

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language
To achieve a higher score in this area, try to use more sophisticated vocabulary and complex sentence structures. This will help to convey your ideas more clearly and impressively.
coherence
Your examples and points are relevant, but the connection between them and your main argument can be made clearer. This will strengthen your overall argument.
task response
Ensure that you address different viewpoints on the topic to present a balanced argument. This will provide a more comprehensive response to the task.
introduction
Your introduction clearly states your position on the topic, which sets a clear direction for your essay.
examples
You have used relevant examples, like children with ADHD and cancer patients, to support your argument.
structure
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps to guide the reader through your argument.
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