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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the information about electronic games in South Korean in 2003.

The graph below shows the information about electronic games in South Korean in 2003.
#information #games #korean
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The pie chart compares the information on the age of
players
Use synonyms
,
types
Correct article usage
the types
show examples
 of
games
Use synonyms
 they like, and the gender of
players
Use synonyms
 of electronic gamers in South Korea in the year 200. It is clear, that the highest age
percentage
Use synonyms
 of electronic gamers was 18 and
also
Linking Words
 most were male
players
Use synonyms
. It is
also
Linking Words
 clear, that the
games
Use synonyms
 related to action had the highest
percentage
Use synonyms
 in South Korea in 2003. In 2003, electronic
games
Use synonyms
 who were 18 years old were highest at 39%,
furthermore
Linking Words
 the lowest age
percentage
Use synonyms
 was 26% who were 36 years old in Japan.
According to
Linking Words
 the second chart, the share of male
players
Use synonyms
 far outweighed that of female counterparts, 72%
compares
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to 27%.
Apart from
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
,
action type
Add a hyphen
action-type
show examples
games
Use synonyms
 were
most
Correct article usage
the most
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 liked
games
Use synonyms
 at a
percentage
Use synonyms
 of 43%,followed by
second
Correct article usage
the second
show examples
 and third highest
games
Use synonyms
 liked by Korean people
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
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Sports and Racing at 20% and 17% respectively.
By
Linking Words
contrast
Add a comma
,contrast
show examples
 the lowest
percentage
Use synonyms
 of liked
games
Use synonyms
 by people of South Korea were Others, which accounted
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 6% in 2003.
Submitted by PONKAJ DEY on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words players, games, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 5 times.
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