IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays,young people are admiring media and sport stars,even though they do not set a good example.Do you think this is positive or negative development

In recent years,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of young
people
Use synonyms
 are appreciating
Use synonyms
stars
Correct article usage
the stars
show examples
 of social
media
Use synonyms
 and
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
,
althoung
Correct your spelling
although
Linking Words
this kind
Fix the agreement mistake
these kinds
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 can not set an example a lot. Because mass
media
Use synonyms
 and television are developing,
so
Rephrase
apply
show examples
day by day new
stars
Use synonyms
 are emerging with huge
audience
Fix the agreement mistake
audiences
show examples
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will give my opinion and support it with some examples.   
First
Add an article
The first
show examples
 and foremost reason for the negative development is too much television and
media
Use synonyms
 exposure can affect
childrens
Change to a genitive case
children's
show examples
 behaviour and world outlook. If children really love one person who can do any
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 exercises very well or who has a million subscribers on social
media
Use synonyms
, they will start to imitate them, especially children
Correct pronoun usage
who want
show examples
want
Correct pronoun usage
who want
show examples
 to dress
Linking Words
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
such
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
as their favourite star and some may try to do any perilous exercises like the
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
stars
Use synonyms
 they watch. It can even cause serious injuries and health problems.     There is no doubt that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not a lot of useful
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
,
for
Linking Words
example
Add the comma(s)
,example
show examples
 modern dances, funny videos or anything done under
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
risk.
Linking Words
This
Change the determiner
These
show examples
 things are not traditional or they can not help
people
Use synonyms
 to learn and admire their culture, especially
it
Correct word choice
if it
show examples
 has a big impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 young
childrens
Change to a genitive case
children's
show examples
 interest
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 culture. If children love imitating
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
TV
stars
Use synonyms
 or
people
Use synonyms
 who wear modern clothes, they do not want to learn
their
Change preposition
about their
show examples
 culture and wear traditional clothes.    In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 it has become popular for
people
Use synonyms
, especially young
people
Use synonyms
 to admire or imitate famous
stars
Use synonyms
, it has brought about too many problems for
this
Linking Words
 to be considered a negative development.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: